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https://archive.org/details/japanesebrideOOtamu 


fPag-e  69 


THE  JAPANESE  BRIDE 


BY 

NAOMI  TAMURA 


ILLUSTRATED 


NEW  YORK 

HARPER  & BROTHERS  PUBLISHERS 


Harper’s  “Black  and  White”  Series. 

Illustrated.  321110,  Cloth,  50  cents  each. 


The  Japanese  Bbidb.  By 
Naomi  Tamura. 

Whittier:  Notes  of  his  Life 
and  of  his  Friendships.  By 
Annie  Fields. 

Gii.es  Corey,  Yeoman.  By 
Mary  E.  Wilkins. 

Coffee  and  Repartee.  By 
John  Kendrick  Bangs. 

Sees  from  the  Saddle.  By 
Isa  Carrington  Cabell. 

A Family  Canoe  Trip.  By 
Florence  Watters  Snedeker. 


A Little  Swiss  Sojourn.  By 
William  Dean  Howells. 

A Letter  of  Introduction. 
A Farce.  By  William  Dean 
Howells. 

James  Russell  Lowell.  An 
Address.  By  George  William 
Curtis. 

In  the  Vestibule  Limited. 

By  Brander  Matthews. 

The  Albany  Depot.  A Farce. 
By  William  Dean  Howells. 


Published  by  HARPER  & BROTHERS,  New  York. 

For  sale  by  all  booksellers,  or  will  be  sent  by  the  publishers, 
postage  prepaid,  on  receipt  of  price. 


Copyright,  1893,  by  Harper  & Brothers. 


All  rights  reserved. 


THE  MEMORY  OF  MY  DEAR  FRIENDS 
MR.  and  MRS.  J.  A.  CHAIN 

OF  DENVER,  COLORADO 

WHO  WERE  DROWNED  IN  THE  CHINA  SEA,  OCT.  IO,  1892 
AND  WHOSE  AFFECTIONATE  INTEREST  SHALL 
EVER  BE  REMEMBERED 


% JBetitcate  tfjfs  3Soofc 


PREFACE 


This  is  the  age  of  danger  and  the  age  of 
confusion  with  Japan.  Old  Japan  is  passing 
away,  and  new  Japan  is  coming  to  the  thresh- 
old. The  old  man’s  opinion  is  no  longer  re- 
spected, and  the  young  man’s  word  has  no 
weight.  Buddhism,  Shintoism,  and  Confucian- 
ism have  lost  their  power  of  control,  and  Chris- 
tianity has  not  yet  taken  hold  of  the  mass  of 
our  people.  Old  and  new  customs  are  min- 
gled together,  and  they  do  not  work  well.  Old 
men  are  content  to  marry  in  accordance  with 
the  old  customs,  but  young  men  wish  to  marry 
in  the  foreign  way,  making  their  own  choice  of 
a wife,  yet  without  any  moral  restraint,  al- 
though they  breathe  the  air  of  new  thought 
imported  from  Christian  countries.  Young 
men  are  dissatisfied  with  old  customs  of  mar- 
riage, but  they  cannot  easily  adopt  a new 
mode. 


This  is  a hard  period  for  young  men  to 
marry  in.  This  is  a very  hard  period  to  con- 
trol young  people  according  to  the  wishes  of 
the  old  folks.  Just  come  and  see  our  streets  ! 
There  is  a residence  : Japanese  gate,  mixed 
house,  half  foreign,  half  Japanese.  See  a man: 
Japanese  dress,  foreign  hat  on  his  head,  and  for- 
eign shoes  on  his  feet.  See  a lady : she  is 
walking  proudly,  like  a man,  with  a man’s 
shoes,  and  a foreign  bonnet  with  the  wrong 
side  in  front.  This  shows  something  of  the 
result  of  the  confusion  of  old  and  new,  and  the 
danger  to  our  inner  life  in  this  transition  pe- 
riod. ► 

You  might  ask,  on  reading  my  book  on 
“The  Japanese  Bride,”  Is  not  there  a noble 
virtue  in  woman’s  obedience,  in  such  a solem- 
nity at  the  wedding  ceremony,  and  in  such 
warm  devotion  of  young  men  towards  their  old 
parents  ? Yes,  indeed  ! 

But  Japanese  virtue  is  very  pharisaical — in 
form,  not  in  heart.  Nine  out  of  ten  ladies  in 
Japan  obey  their  husbands  not  joyfully,  but  un- 
willingly, just  like  the  people  of  an  absolute 
monarchy.  Our  wedding  solemnity  does  not 
indicate  the  purity  of  our  hearts,  or  the  sacred- 
ness of  the  marriage  institution.  I have  frank- 


ly  painted  our  home  life  which  foreigners  never 
penetrate,  and  which  most  Japanese  hesitate  to 
reveal,  feeling  it  to  be  a shame  to  open  the 
dark  side  of  our  home  life  in  public,  and  espe- 
cially before  the  gaze  of  foreigners.  I have 
tried  to  write  with  sincerity,  in  the  spirit  of 
loving  truth,  without  any  fear. 

My  sincere  thanks  are  due  to  Mr.  C.  H. 
Phillips,  my  classmate  in  Auburn  Theological 
Seminary  and  my  intimate  friend,  who  helped 
me  in  a great  measure  to  publish  this  book  in 
this  shape  before  the  American  public.  If 
any  one  who  reads  this  book  is  able  to  catch  a 
glimpse  of  our  home  life,  and  is  thus  led  to 
compare  the  homes  under  Buddhist  influence 
with  the  homes  under  the  influence  of  Chris- 
tianity, I shall  be  greatly  rewarded. 

Naomi  Tamura. 


Tokyo,  Japan. 


CONTENTS 

Page. 

I.  WHY  DO  WE  MARRY?  ....  I 

II.  COURTING IO 

III.  THE  GO-BETWEEN 20 

IV.  PREPARATION  FOR  THE  WEDDING  32 

V.  THE  WEDDING  CEREMONY  ...  43 

VI.  THE  HONEY-MOON 56 

VII.  BRIDE  AND  BRIDEGROOM  AT  HOME  65 

VIII.  MOTHER  AND  GRANDMOTHER  . . 7 9 


THE  JAPANESE  BRIDE 


i 

WHY  DO  WE  MARRY? 

IY  do  we  marry?  Nations 
disagree  upon  the  proper  an- 
swer which  should  be  given 
to  this  question.  Opinions, 
customs,  character,  modes  of 
life,  all  differ  widely  with  the  differences 
of  religion,  grades  of  morality,  business, 
and  even  with  the  climate  or  character  of 
the  landscape.  And  ideas  of  matrimony 
follow  the  same  changing  rule. 

Americans  will  reply  to  our  question 
without  any  hesitation,  “ Why,  we  marry 
for  love,  of  course.”  Mutual  love  is  the 
fundamental  principle  in  your  marriages, 
and  all  other  cases,  such  as  marriages  for 
money  or  for  position,  are  exceptional. 


You  think  that  without  love,  real  mar- 
riage is  impossible.  You  respect  the  most 
highly  the  mating  that  was  made  through 
love,  and  think  that  even  a father’s  advice 
ought  not  to  outweigh  this  sacred  bond. 

It  will  seem  strange  to  people  having 
such  ideas  that  there  is  no  such  thing  in 
Japan  as  marriage  for  love.  True,  there 
are  cases  where  a husband  and  wife  learn 
to  have  affection  for  each  other  after  mar- 
riage, but  it  is  a chance  if  they  do.  We 
often  hear  people  commend  a young  bride 
and  groom  if  they  do  not  quarrel  and 
are  kindly  disposed  towards  each  other. 
“That,”  they  say,  “ is  very  fortunate;  that 
is  a happy  chance.” 

It  is  very  clear  that  we  do  not  marry 
for  love.  If  a man  is  known  to  have 
broken  this  rule,  we  look  upon  him  as  a 
mean  fellow,  and  sadly  lacking  in  moral- 
ity. His  own  father  and  mother  would 
be  ashamed  of  him.  Public  sentiment 
places  love  for  a woman  very  low  in  the 
scale  of  morals.  Probably  this  is  the 
outcome  of  the  teaching  of  the  Buddhist 
religion,  which  says  that  “ woman  is  im- 
pure, and  a scape-goat.”  This  false  doc- 


3 

trine  has  had  a very  harmful  influence  in 
moulding  our  opinions. 

We  place  love  and  brutal  attachment 
on  the  same  plane.  We  make  no  dis- 
tinction in  terms.  The  Japanese  word 
“ horeru  ” (love),  as  applied  to  a woman, 
signifies  a very  corrupt  character.  It  is 
a deplorable  fact  that  our  people  do  not 
understand  the  distinction  between  love 
and  passion.  They  have  never  tasted  the 
sweetness  of  pure,  conjugal  love,  and  with 
such  a lack  in  our  hearts,  and  such  a sen- 
timent prevalent  in  our  minds,  it  is  easy 
to  see  why  love  is  left  out  of  our  mar- 
riages. We  regard  the  marriage  service 
as  an  important  ceremony,  but  by  no 
means  sacred. 

Then  what  is  the  real  principle  un- 
derlying matrimony  in  Japan  ? Before 
you  can  understand  this  you  must  know 
something  of  another  element  in  Japan- 
ese thought,  which  has  a powerful  influ- 
ence in  all  our  social  life. 

Perhaps  no  other  nation  attaches  so 
much  importance  to  ancestral  lines.  Hu- 
man life  is  not  so  important  as  one’s  lin- 
eal descent.  Under  the  feudal  system, 


4 

the  most  terrible  punishment  for  crime 
that  could  be  administered  was  the  ex- 
tinction of  a family  line  which  had  lasted 
for  hundreds,  or  even  thousands  of  years. 
And  to-day  all  educated  Japanese  feel 
that  the  cutting  off  of  his  family  is  the 
direst  calamity  that  could  befall  a human 
being. 

We  keep  our  blood  as  pure  as  possible. 
Among  your  people  we  see  families  where 
three  or  four  nationalities  may  be  min- 
gled. The  father  is  Scotch,  the  mother 
German,  the  son  marries  a French  lady, 
and  the  daughter  a Spaniard.  To  you 
this  is  nothing  strange  because  so  com- 
mon ; but  to  us  it  is  a great  surprise. 
The  most  of  our  people  never  heard  of 
such  a thing.  With  us  the  family  is  not 
a cosmopolitan  affair,  but  rather  a walled 
castle.  We  examine  genealogies  very 
carefully  before  contracting  marriages, 
and  the  young  lady  who  cannot  show 
proof  of  “ blue  blood  ” has  little  chance 
of  ever  becoming  an  honorable  bride. 

The  Jews  are  not  more  proud  of  their 
ability  to  trace  their  descent  from  Abra- 
ham than  are  we  to  point  out  some  great 


ancestor  in  our  genealogies.  A man  may 
be  as  poor  as  a beggar,  and  yet  very 
proud  of  his  blood.  To  belong  to  a good 
family  is  a higher  honor  than  money  or 
education  could  secure.  Thieves  can- 
not steal,  death  cannot  destroy,  the  high 
honor  conferred  by  noble  blood.  The 
best  legacy  a father  can  leave  his  children 
is  good  family. 

For  this  reason  we  respect  a father  as 
the  head,  the  benefactor,  the  preserver, 
through  whom  comes  to  us  the  honor  of 
generation  after  generation.  To  him  is 
accorded  the  place  in  the  family  of  abso- 
lute monarch.  All  power  is  intrusted  to 
him.  He  is  the  law-giver  and  judge  and 
king. 

You  think  the  family  is  a sacred  insti- 
tution when  you  see  the  husband  and 
wife  reflecting  the  divine  love  in  their 
sweet  and  happy  life  together.  We  think 
the  family  an  indispensable  institution, 
that  the  father  may  hand  down  his  name 
and  place  and  family  to  his  son,  through 
whom  it  may  be  continued  to  coming 
generations.  A father’s  throne  is  the 
most  inviting  position  a man  can  have  in 


6 

Japan.  Our  young  men  are  as  ambitious 
to  be  fathers  as  yours  are  to  be  presi- 
dents. 

With  this  understanding  of  our  feel- 
ings it  will  be  easy  to  see  the  object  of 
marriage  in  Japan  — the  perpetuation  of 
the  family  line.  All  other  considerations 
are  subordinate  to  this. 

Many  of  our  family  customs  are  the 
outgrowth  of  this  sentiment.  It  is  a 
strict  regulation  that  the  eldest  son  shall 
marry  at  eighteen,  and  take  his  father’s 
position.  If  the  father  has  been  a doctor, 
the  son  will  be  a doctor;  if  a merchant, 
he  will  be  a merchant ; if  a farmer,  a farm- 
er; if  a gate-keeper,  a gate-keeper.  It  is 
considered  a breach  of  filial  respect  for 
the  son  to  refuse  to  follow  his  father’s 
profession.  How  detrimental  this  cus- 
tom is  to  a people  may  be  seen  by  the 
thousands  of  men  in  Japan  filling  profes- 
sions for  which  they  have  no  qualifica- 
tion. A man  takes  a vocation  not  be- 
cause he  is  gifted  in  that  direction,  but 
because  his  father  had  that  vocation  be- 
fore him. 

Should  the  eldest  son  be  mentally  or 


7 

physically  incapable  of  marriage,  the  sec- 
ond son  succeeds  to  the  father’s  position. 
Should  there  be  no  son,  yet  a daughter, 
the  father  will  provide  for  her  a suitable 
husband,  whom  she  takes  to  her  home 
instead  of  following  to  his  home.  He 
then  takes  her  family  name,  and  fills  the 
place  of  eldest  son  to  her  father. 

This  we  call  “ Yoshi  ” (adoption  system). 
Young  men  do  not  like  to  be  adopted 
into  a family  in  order  to  marry  the  daugh- 
ter, no  matter  how  beautiful  she  may  be, 
for  he  cannot  exercise  in  her  home  the 
authority  he  could  in  his  own.  This  is 
the  only  case  where  a Japanese  wife  has 
any  power  over  her  husband.  Hence,  if 
a father  desires  to  get  “Yoshi”  for  his 
daughter,  he  will  find  he  has  a very  hard 
task,  and  then  must  be  satisfied  with  an 
inferior  person. 

If  a family  has  no  children,  then  they 
must  adopt  a son  and  daughter,  and  the 
father  will  contrive  to  have  them  marry 
so  as  to  secure  the  transfer  of  his  proper- 
ty to  them.  This  is  also  a part  of  the 
“ Yoshi.” 

It  is  a fathers  solemn  duty  to  secure 


the  marriage  of  his  children.  So  far  as 
his  privileges  and  rights  are  concerned, 
they  were  transmitted  to  him  from  his  fa- 
ther without  any  merit  of  his  own,  and  he 
is  in  duty  bound  to  pass  them  on  to  his 
son  or  adopted  son.  As  a consequence 
there  are  no  bachelors  and  old  maids  in 
Japan. 

In  this  particular  you  differ  widely 
from  us.  It  is  a great  surprise  to  Japan- 
ese visitors  to  the  United  States  to  find 
so  many  unmarried  men  and  women.  We 
cannot  understand  it.  We  think  Amer- 
ican fathers  are  unkind  to  their  children 
or  indifferent  to  their  welfare.  A Japan- 
ese father  is  under  obligation  to  marry 
off  his  sons  and  daughters  when  they 
reach  a certain  age;  and  if  a daughter 
remains  at  home  unmarried  after  she  is 
twenty  years  of  age  it  is  a disgrace  to 
the  family.  Either  the  daughter  is  un- 
qualified for  matrimony  or  the  father  has 
neglected  his  duty.  Therefore  a father 
will  always  state  his  daughter’s  age  un- 
der twenty,  although  she  may  have  long 
since  passed  that  age,  and  thirty  would 
be  nearer  the  truth. 


Parents-  are  so  anxious  for  the  marriage 
of  their  sons  and  daughters  that  a large 
part  of  their  lives  is  devoted  to  this  end. 
And  it  is  true  that  fathers  will  give  their 
children  in  marriage  without  a care  for 
their  future  happiness  or  prosperity.  I 
have  known  Japanese  girls  who  have  been 
married  three  or  four  times  and  returned 
to  their  father’s  home.  And  yet  the  fa- 
ther cares  nothing,  so  long  as  he  has 
done  his  duty  and  seen  them  married. 

Japanese  never  lose  hope  of  being  mar- 
ried, however  old  or  poor  or  homely  they 
may  be.  In  no  other  country  in  the 
world  is  marriage  so  well  arranged  and 
managed  by  the  parents.  A father  and 
mother  have  done  their  duty  by  their 
children  when  they  have  seen  them  pass 
through  that  important  event — the  mar- 
riage ceremony. 


II 


COURTING 

'N  the  American  marriage  sys- 
tem, courting  is  an  indispen- 
sable factor.  Among  the 
sciences,  therefore,  you  cat- 
alogue the  very  important 
science  of  courting.  Without  a knowl- 
edge of  this  science,  a young  man  has  no 
chance  of  being  married.  He  according- 
ly begins  its  study  in  childhood,  and  keeps 
it  up  until  he  leads  home  a bride. 

Your  young  men  have  many  friends 
among  women.  They  have  perfect  free- 
dom to  meet  and  associate  with  them  in 
the  parlor,  on  the  streets,  in  public  assem- 
blies, or  in  private ; by  sunlight  or  gaslight 
or  moonlight.  Parents  permit  them  to 
form  the  most  intimate  friendships  with 
out  any  suspicion  of  wrong.  Free  coun- 
try, indeed ! 


Our  young  folks,  on  the  contrary,  have 
no  such  privileges  and  freedom.  There 
is  a Japanese  wall  as  well  as  a Chinese 
wall,  and  the  former  separates  the  young 
men  and  women  of  the  land. 

When  I was  in  America  I heard  of  an 
old  - fashioned  custom  of  seating  people 
in  church,  the  men  on  one  side  and  the 
women  on  the  other  of  a high  partition. 
In  Japan  we  keep  up  that  old-fashioned 
custom  so  far  as  our  young  people  are 
concerned.  We  allow  them  no  freedom 
or  sociability  or  friendship. 

Until  our  children  reach  the  age  of  five 
or  six  years,  there  is  no  such  separation. 
They  mingle  freely  on  the  playground  or 
at  home  just  like  their  American  cousins. 
But  I have  observed  a wide  difference, 
even  among  these  little  folk.  Our  boj^s 
are  always  leaders  on  the  playground. 
In  America  I saw  frequently  one  little 
girl  playing  with  several  boys,  and  giving 
her  orders  like  a queen  : “ Johnnie,  draw 
my  sled  !”  “ Charlie,  bring  my  whip  !” 

“ George,  run  quick  and  get  my  doll !” 
One  little  miss  would  manage  eight  or 
ten  boys. 


We  never  see  such  sights  on  our  play- 
grounds. From  babyhood  the  girls  are 
taught  that  they  are  inferior  to  the  boys. 
The  mother  takes  great  pains  to  teach 
this  lesson.  The  boy  calls  his  sister  by 
her  name,  but  she  must  not  use  the  same 
freedom  with  him.  She  can  only  call 
him  “ Ani  san  ” (dear  brother).  If  they 
eat  together,  the  boy  sits  in  the  most 
honorable  place.  But  commonly  the  boy 
eats  with  the  father,  and  the  girl  waits 
upon  them  and  then  eats  with  her  moth- 
er. In  this  way  the  inferior  position  of 
the  girl  is  drilled  into  the  children  from 
childhood. 

From  the  time  a girl  is  ten  years  old 
her  parents  forbid  her  to  play  with  her 
brothers.  But  usually  this  prohibition 
is  unnecessary,  for  from  the  time  that 
they  are  six  or  seven  they  begin  to  with- 
draw from  each  other,  and  prefer  to  play 
exclusively  with  their  own  sex.  From 
that  time  the  separating  wall  begins  to 
exist. 

Confucius  is  to  be  charged  with  plant- 
ing such  a sentiment  in  our  society.  He 
taught  that  a boy  of  seven  years  or  over 


*3 


must  not  sit  down  in  the  same  room  with 
girls.  We  do  not  know  why  a sage  like 
Confucius  should  establish  such  a rule. 
Possibly  the  China  of  his  day  was  cor- 
rupted by  the  association  of  boys  and 
girls  ; but  the  law  has  been  handed  down 
through  generations  which  did  not  re- 
quire it,  and  to  which  it  is  a positive  det- 
riment. It  is  still  working  much  harm 
to  women  in  our  land.  The  very  name 
of  woman  is  considered  dishonorable. 
We  apply  the  title  “ woman  ” to  a slow 
and  stupid  man.  We  allow  a woman  to 
do  nothing  in  social  or  political  affairs. 
She  is  not  considered  fit  to  take  any  place 
of  trust  even  in  her  own  home.  It  is 
thought  impossible  for  her  to  exert  other 
than  an  evil  influence  over  man. 

With  such  ideas  prevailing  concerning 
women,  it  is  not  strange  that  boys  and 
girls,  by  the  time  they  are  ten  years  of 
age,  have  reared  a wall  between  the  sexes. 

And  this  separation  forbids  to  our 
young  men  and  women  anything  like 
courting  as  seen  in  America.  Should  a 
young  couple  form  such  a friendship  as 
is  common  between  young  people  in  your 


country,  they  would  be  looked  upon  with 
suspicion,  and  if  the  attachment  contin- 
ued, they  would  certainly  be  thought  im- 
moral. It  is  impossible  for  the  young 
men  of  Japan  to  have  the  pleasant 
and  helpful  friendships  which  the  young 
American  has  among  women. 

While  riding  in  a jaunting-car  in  Cork, 
Ireland,  the  driver  pointed  out  to  me 
a picturesque  lane  shaded  by  two  fine 
rows  of  trees,  which  he  said  was  called 
“ Sweetheart  Lane.”  Here  the  young 
men  would  come  with  their  sweethearts 
for  a love  stroll  and  pleasant  chat  on  a 
summer  evening.  It  is  a place  of  tender 
associations  and  happy  or  painful  remem- 
brances to  the  young  men  of  Cork. 

You  do  not  have  in  America  such  spe- 
cial courting-streets,  but  any  street  might 
be  called  “ Sweetheart  Street,”  for  your 
young  gentlemen  and  ladies  meet,  con- 
verse, walk  and  ride  everywhere,  and  at 
any  time  of  day  or  evening,  with  no  taint 
of  suspicion.  It  is  one  of  the  most  at- 
tractive features  of  your  social  life. 

Courting  is  a source  of  great  pleasure 
to  your  young  men.  Ours  have  no  such 


i5 

privilege.  If  your  young  man  calls  upon 
a young  lady,  her  parents  permit  them 
perfect  freedom,  often  leaving  them  alone 
in  the  parlor  a good  part  of  the  evening. 
An  attractive  American  girl  will  receive 
gentlemen  callers  nearly  every  day.  In 
fact,  she  is  like  a magnet,  drawing  a great 
many  young  men  about  her.  I have  often 
noticed,  when  calling  on  a beautiful  Amer- 
ican girl,  that  the  door -bell  rang  very 
frequently,  and  at  each  ring  a young  gen- 
tleman would  enter  the  parlors,  stylishly 
dressed,  smiling  and  bland.  It  would  re- 
mind me  of  the  solar  system — the  girl  was 
the  central  luminary,  and  the  young  men 
the  planets  revolving  about  her.  To  me 
it  was  a strange  and  amusing  sight.  Each 
young  man  would  be  anxious  to  monopo- 
lize the  maiden,  and  would  eye  with  jeal- 
ousy the  other  competitors  for  her  favor ; 
and  the  young  lady  would  exercise  great 
skill  in  interesting  all  of  these  suitors,  and 
at  the  same  time  hold  them  at  a proper 
distance  until  she  should  form  an  idea 
which  of  these  young  men  she  preferred. 

The  young  man  in  his  courting-days 
has  much  anxiety  and  trouble.  He  often 


finds  that  he  has  a rival  for  the  affection 
of  his  chosen  young  lady,  and  must  use 
great  tact  and  perseverance  to  prove  to 
her  his  devotion.  He  must  be  her  ready 
and  willing  servant.  And  here  comes  in 
the  science  of  courting.  At  every  call 
that  young  man  will  do  his  best  to  be  en- 
tertaining, and  will  watch  carefully  for  in- 
dications of  approval  from  the  lady.  He 
rejoices  at  every  warm  grasp  of  the  hand 
and  every  cordial  invitation  to  repeat 
the  call.  If  he  is  to  be  absent  from  her 
for  a time,  he  is  very  happy  should  she 
give  him  permission  to  write  to  her.  And 
this  perfect  freedom  for  calling  and  cor- 
respondence gives  your  young  people  an 
opportunity  to  become  well  acquainted 
before  there  is  any  proposal  or  promise 
of  marriage. 

All  of  you  who  have  enjoyed  this  priv- 
ilege will  pity,  I am  sure,  your  brother  in 
Japan.  Our  parents  have  no  such  confi- 
dence in  their  children.  They  would  not 
dare  give  them  the  freedom  that  you 
enjoy. 

I call  upon  a young  lady  in  Tokyo — 
her  father  and  mother  do  not  give  up  the 


*7 


parlor  to  us,  but  watch  us  with  the  vigi- 
lance of  the  police.  What  can  I say  to 
the  lady  while  those  eyes  are  upon  me  ? 
It  will  be  a dry  meeting,  indeed  ! My 
courting  does  not  progress  very  well.  I 
go  away  and  decide  to  write  to  her ; but 
ah  ! her  father  gets  the  letter,  opens  and 
reads  it,  and  I wait  in  vain  for  a sweet 
reply.  Correspondence  does  not  help  me 
out  of  my  difficulty.  I must  give  it  up. 
Courting  has  no  place  in  our  social  life. 
We  do  not  marry  through  courting. 

Now,  supposing  we  did  have  the  same 
freedom  that  you  enjoy  of  meeting  the 
young  ladies,  we  would  still  not  have 
very  social  times.  The  conversation 
would  all  be  on  the  side  of  the  young 
gentlemen,  for  our  women  are  taught  to 
be  silent  in  the  presence  of  gentlemen. 

I am  aware  that  women  have  the  repu- 
tation of  loving  to  talk.  The  Chinese  ex- 
press the  word  “ noisy  ” by  repeating  three 
times  the  character  which  represents 
woman.  Where  three  women  are  togeth- 
er there  is  sure  to  be  a noisy  time.  But 
the  Japanese  woman  is  dumb  in  the  pres- 
ence of  men.  She  is  modest  and  quiet, 


and  seems  very  bashful,  though  I doubt 
whether  she  really  is.  She  will  not  help 
on  the  conversation  in  the  least.  To 
your  questions  and  remarks  she  will  an- 
swer in  monosyllables,  and  all  of  your 
skill  and  wit  will  not  draw  her  out.  What 
progress  would  a man  make  courting  such 
a girl  ? 

But  please  do  not  despise  the  Japanese 
women  for  their  stupidity.  They  are  not 
trained  for  sociability.  Give  them  the 
education  that  your  girls  have,  and  I will 
not  admit  but  that  our  misses  of  the  yel- 
low complexion  will  be  as  brilliant  and 
entertaining  as  your  misses  of  the  rosy 
cheeks. 

Our  young  men  go  into  American  so- 
ciety, and  are  surprised  to  find  young 
ladies  possessed  of  so  much  social  and  con- 
versational talent.  Indeed,  before  a re- 
fined and  educated  American  girl,  we  feel 
very  small  and  humble.  It  is  with  great 
difficulty  that  we  keep  up  with  their  ideas, 
for  they  really  do  have  ideas,  and  that  is 
something  we  are  not  accustomed  to  find 
in  women.  They  will  ask  of  the  coun- 
tries we  have  seen  and  the  books  we  have 


19 


read.  They  are  ready  to  talk  intelligent- 
ly with  us  of  fiction,  poetry,  politics,  crit- 
icism, or  philosophy.  They  have  read 
and  thought,  and  they  bring  their  read- 
ing into  their  conversation. 

All  this  is  new  and  strange  to  us.  If 
the  Japanese  ladies  had  some  of  the  same 
talent  it  would  be  a pleasure  to  meet  with 
them;  but  under  the  present  condition 
of  affairs  there  would  be  little  pleasure 
in  personally  courting  a young  lady  of 
Japan. 

Fortunately,  then,  there  is  no  need  for 
the  young  Japanese  to  study  the  science 
of  courting,  for — but  wait ! I will  tell 
you  the  secret  of  our  marriage  system  in 
the  next  chapter. 


Ill 


THE  GO-BETWEEN 


5fcHE  most  important  officer  in 
our  system  is  the  Go-between. 
In  fact,  the  attainment  of 
marriage  is  almost  impossi- 
ble without  his  skilful  man- 
agement of  affairs. 

Perhaps  Go-between  is  not  an  adequate 
word  to  express  the  meaning  of  our  word 
“ Nakodo.”  Common  use  of  the  word 
go-between  does  not  make  it  a very  hon- 
orable title;  it  signifies  a match-maker, 
and  you  have  very  little  respect  for  such 
a meddler  in  young  peoples’  heart  affairs. 
In  our  society,  “ Nakodo  ” is  an  honor- 
able title.  The  office  requires  special 
qualifications,  and  involves  great  respon- 
sibilities. 

The  Go-between  is  a public  officer,  and 
recognized  as  such.  He  takes  the  place 


for  the  bridegroom  of  friend,  father,  wit- 
ness, lawyer,  judge,  and  minister. 

When  a Japanese  father  wishes  to  se- 
cure a partner  for  his  daughter  he  does 
not  advertise  in  the  newspaper,  but  com- 
municates his  desire  to  some  friend. 
A hundred,  or  perhaps  a thousand  friends, 
have  communicated  the  fact  in  their  daily 
intercourse  that  they  possess  marriage- 
able sons  and  daughters.  Very  soon, 
therefore,  word  will  come  to  the  father 
of  some  young  man  whom  his  friend 
thinks  would  make  a suitable  match  for 
his  daughter.  He  makes  careful  inquiry 
about  the  age,  social  standing,  and  so  on, 
of  this  young  man.  If  all  seems  proper 
in  these  respects,  he  asks  his  friend  to  act 
as  Go-between,  and  accept  proposals  from 
the  young  man’s  father. 

Thus  far  he  acts  only  as  a friend  ; now 
his  position  will  become  official,  and  he 
must  look  to  his  own  qualifications  be- 
fore accepting.  He  cannot  assume  the 
duties  of  the  office  unless  he  be  of  the 
same  social  standing  as  both  of  the  par- 
ties to  the  contract.  Should  he  not  have 
this  qualification,  he  will  seek  out  some 


22 


one  who  has.  He  must  also  be  a married 
person.  Having  accepted  the  office,  the 
Go-between  suddenly  becomes  a very  busy 
person.  He  is  the  telephone  between  the 
expectant  bride  and  bridegroom,  and  they 
keep  him  flying  back  and  forth  bearing 
messages  and  replies,  and  arranging  a 
thousand  and  one  details  preparatory  to 
the  wedding.  Indeed,  it  requires  a great 
deal  of  time  and  thought  and  anxiety  to 
perform  his  duties  properly.  Why,  just 
look  at  young  couples  in  America  who 
are  contemplating  matrimony  ! See  how 
many,  many  hours  of  talking  and  plan- 
ning and  arranging  they  require.  I think 
I saw  some  young  lovers  in  your  country 
who  could  scarcely  spare  time  for  sleep- 
ing ; it  took  so  much  time  to  do  all  the 
talking  preliminary  to  their  wedding. 
When  you  consider  what  the  Go-between 
has  to  do  in  carrying  all  of  the  messages 
between  the  engaged  couple  in  Japan,  you 
will  get  some  idea  of  the  severity  of  his 
task,  and  will  really  pity  him. 

Generally,  before  a father  makes  the 
final  proposal  for  a wife  for  his  son,  he 
will  give  the  young  couple  an  opportu- 


23 


nity  to  see  each  other.  In  that  case,  the 
Go-between  arranges  for  a “ Miyai  ” 
(Look  - at  - each  - other  - meeting).  But 
there  are  thousands  of  cases  where  the 
fathers  make  all  the  arrangements  for 
the  wedding  without  consulting  the 
young  people.  In  those  circumstances, 
alas ! for  the  young  man  ; for  he  has  no 
chance  to  see  beforehand  his  prospective 
wife.  He  has  no  idea  whether  she  will 
be  attractive  or  not.  Excepting  what  the 
Go-between  may  tell  him,  he  has  no 
knowledge  of  her.  And  so  he  dreams, 
and  wonders,  and  imagines.  Is  she  fat  or 
slender  ? Is  she  pretty  or  homely  ? short 
or  tall  ? smart  or  stupid  ? good-natured 
or  sharp-tongued  ? He  waits  very  impa- 
tiently and  anxiously  for  the  wedding- 
night  to  reveal  the  truth  or  falsity  of  his 
imaginations.  Even  when  the  father  per- 
mits a “ Miyai  ” to  the  young  people,  it  is 
impossible  for  them  to  gain  any  real 
knowledge  of  each  other’s  characters. 

There  are  three  ways  of  conducting 
the  “ Miyai.”  In  the  first  the  Go-between 
will  take  the  young  man  to  the  home  of 
the  bride  to  call  upon  her  father.  It  is 


24 


customary  when  a Japanese  is  making  a 
call  for  the  maid-servant  to  meet  him  at 
the  door  and  conduct  him  to  the  parlor, 
which  is  situated  at  quite  a distance  from 
the  entrance.  Here  the  guest  seats  him- 
self upon  a “ Tatami  ” (soft  mat)  while  he 
waits  for  the  master  of  the  house  to  enter. 
The  servant  ministers  to  his  comfort.  If 
it  be  winter-time,  she  immediately  brings 
the  guest  a “ Hibachi  ” (a  small  charcoal 
stove)  ; if  it  is  summer-time,  she  brings 
him  instead  a “ Tobacobon,”  or  smoker’s 
outfit,  containing  a small  earthen  pot  of 
fire  and  another  for  ashes.  She  will  also 
bring  a cup  of  tea  with  cake. 

After  this  the  master  of  the  house  ap- 
pears. Host  and  guest  now  bow  to  the 
floor  and  salute  each  other  -with  extreme 
politeness.  Then  the  acquaintance  be- 
gins. Should  they  desire  a second  cup 
of  tea,  the  master  summons  the  servant 
from  the  next  room  (which  is  only  sepa- 
rated by  paper  screens)  by  clapping  his 
hands. 

When  the  Go-between  has  arranged  a 
“Miyai,”  and  the  young  man  is  calling 
with  him  upon  the  young  lady’s  father, 


25 


the  second  cup  of  tea  is  served  by  the 
daughter  instead  of  the  maid.  Now 
comes  the  only  opportunity  he  will  have 
to  see  his  future  wife.  It  is  a very  critical 
and  anxious  time  for  both  of  them.  The 
young  man  is  greatly  excited.  The  Go- 
between  and  the  father  are  trying  to  keep 
up  a conversation  with  him,  while  he  is 
most  interested  in  watching  the  bashful 
maiden  who  is  entering  the  opening 
screen.  Being  well  trained  in  Japanese 
etiquette,  she  advances  slowly,  carrying  a 
cup  of  tea  with  both  hands ; comes  in 
front  of  the  young  man  as  he  sits ; pre- 
sents the  tea,  bows,  and  salutes  him  in 
the  politest  manner,  and  retires  to  the 
next  room.  She  has  not  spoken  a word, 
and  although  she  has  been  in  the  room 
less  than  a minute,  the  young  man  must 
decide  from  his  impression  whether  he 
will  take  her  for  his  life  partner  or  not. 

You  will  certainly  have  sympathy  for 
both  parties.  What  does  the  young  lady 
know  about  her  future  husband?  But 
he  easily  gets  around  that  by  giving  her 
no  voice  in  the  matter.  Her  father  is 
her  representative,  and  she  must  abide 


26 


by  his  decision.  And  what  idea  of  the 
young  lady  can  the  young  man  gain  in 
that  short  moment  ? How  does  he  know 
whether  she  has  brown,  or  black,  or  red 
hair;  black,  or  blue,  or  brown  eyes ; Greek 
or  Roman  nose ; light  or  dark  complex- 
ion ; perfect  or  irregular  teeth  ; symmetri- 
cal or  deformed  shape ; large  or  small 
feet ; coarse  or  pretty  hands  ? Indeed,  it 
is  hard  to  judge  of  her  character  so  sud- 
denly. 

But  really,  it  does  not  require  so  long 
to  take  in  the  appearance  of  a lady 
in  Japan  as  it  does  in  America.  Our 
ladies  have  only  one  color  of  hair,  and 
that  is  black  ; one  color  of  eye,  and  that 
is  also  black.  She  is  generally  short — 
under  five  feet — slender,  with  small  hands 
and  feet,  and  white  teeth.  Ladies  in  Ja- 
pan are  plainer  looking  as  a class  than 
the  men.  Allowing  the  ladies  themselves 
to  be  the  judges,  one  meets  more  fine 
looking  men  than  women  on  the  streets 
of  Tokyo. 

Our  taste  for  female  beauty  chooses  a 
woman  who  is  slender  in  shape,  with  long, 
white  face,  high  nose,  full  eyebrow,  al- 


27 


mond  eyes,  white,  crystal-like  teeth,  thin 
red  lips,  and  rosy  cheeks.  We  are  very 
quick  to  judge  of  a woman’s  beauty,  and 
can  do  it  anywhere  at  a glance.  So  on  an 
occasion  like  “ Miyai  ” a young  man  is 
very  smart  and  on  the  alert,  and  very 
quickly  decides  whether  she  is  the  one 
he  wants  or  not. 

The  second  method  of  conducting 
“Miyai”  is  called  the  “ Bridge-meeting.” 
The  Go-between  arranges  for  the  young 
couple  to  meet  on  a certain  bridge.  He 
takes  the  man  with  him,  and  the  young 
lady,  accompanied  by  her  mother  or  a 
maid-servant,  meets  them  upon  the  bridge 
at  the  appointed  time. 

This  affords  a little  longer  view  of  each 
other ; but  even  then  they  do  not  speak, 
and  I fear  American  lovers  would  hardly 
be  satisfied  to  exchange  conditions  with 
them. 

The  third  method  is  a great  improve- 
ment on  either  of  these,  and  is  called  the 
“ Theatre  - meeting.”  The  Go-between 
takes  the  young  man  with  him  to  the 
theatre,  and  they  occupy  the  same  box 
with  the  young  lady  and  her  family. 


28 


Theatre -going  in  Japan  is  something 
more  than  viewing  the  play  upon  the 
stage.  They  often  remain  from  daylight 
until  midnight  to  see  one  play,  and  eat- 
ing and  drinking  will  occupy  an  impor- 
tant place  in  the  day’s  entertainment. 
This  permits  the  young  folks  to  be  to- 
gether all  day.  But  even  that  will  not 
be  entirely  satisfactory,  for  the  parents 
are  present,  and  a thousand  other  people 
close  by  and  watching,  and  the  position 
will  be  very  trying.  They  will  both  feel 
diffident  and  bashful ; will  not  dare  to  ex- 
change smiles,  or  scarcely  to  talk  togeth- 
er. Outwardly  they  will  appear  very 
cool  and  dignified,  but  who  can  tell  what 
is  passing  in  their  hearts  ? 

When,  through  one  of  these  forms  of 
“ Miyai,”  the  young  people  have  met  and 
are  satisfied  with  each  other,  then  the 
Go-between  secures  the  consent  of  the 
fathers  of  both  parties.  The  whole  affair 
is  very  tiresome  for  the  Go-between,  and 
I have  concluded  from  observation  that 
the  marriage  business  is  very  trying  in 
any  country. 

You  think  that  America  has  a much 


29 


simpler  system  of  marriage  and  courtship 
than  Japan.  But  I have  noticed  that  it 
is  not  an  easy  matter  there.  It  is  so  hard 
for  a bashful  young  man  to  propose  to 
the  young  lady  of  his  choice  that  he  often 
remains  an  unwilling  bachelor  all  his  days. 
Pretty  hard  for  him,  is  it  not?  And  in 
Japan  if  we  cannot  find  a suitable  Go-be- 
tween, we  cannot  marry,  and  that  is  pret- 
ty hard ! 

Now,  when  both  parties  are  willing,  and 
the  parents  are  agreed,  there  is  another 
difficult  gate  to  be  passed — namely,  the 
relatives.  The  Japanese  are  very  particu- 
lar about  their  relationships,  and  before 
the  relatives  will  give  their  consent  to 
the  union  the  ancestry  must  be  exam- 
ined, to  be  sure  that  the  blood  is  “ true 
blue  ” on  both  sides.  In  country  districts 
the  relatives  must  sign  and  seal  an  agree- 
ment before  the  marriage  takes  place,  to 
prevent  future  trouble.  If  they  live  far 
apart  the  consent  is  gained  by  letter-writ- 
ing, and  takes  a long  time.  All  of  this 
is  an  additional  heavy  task,  which  falls 
upon  the  Go-between. 

Who  shall  officiate  at  the  wedding? 


3° 


In  Japan  religious  officials  take  no  part 
in  this  sacred  ceremony.  Our  religions 
do  not  recognize  marriage  as  a religious 
institution ; neither  does  the  Govern- 
ment provide  the  mode  of  marriage  cere- 
mony. The  Go-between  is  the  witness 
and  also  the  officiating  minister  on  this 
occasion.  But  I will  describe  this  duty 
more  fully  in  the  chapter  on  the  wedding 
ceremony. 

But  this  Go-between  has  not  finished 
his  duties  when  the  wedding  is  over. 
He  is  respected  as  a second  father.  He 
is  their  counsellor,  especially  in  matters 
which  concern  the  marriage  relation. 
Should  anything  happen  between  hus- 
band and  wife,  they  call  in  the  Go-between 
for  final  settlement.  No  matter  how 
small  the  difficulty,  they  will  call  him  in, 
and  in  nine  out  of  ten  cases  he  will  decide 
in  favor  of  the  husband.  Should  the 
bride  quarrel  with  her  mother-in-law, 
again  the  Go-between  is  judge ; but  his 
decision  will  always  be  favorable  to  the 
mother-in-law.  He  will  require  the  bride 
to  beg  pardon  of  her  husband  or  mother- 
in-law,  whether  she  be  right  or  wrong. 


31 


Sometimes  the  bride  runs  away  from 
home.  Then  the  bridegroom  sends  for 
the  Go-between  to  tell  him  his  trouble. 
This  official  seeks  out  the  black-eyed  lit- 
tle rebel  in  her  father’s  house,  and  in- 
quires into  the  grievances  which  led  her 
to  run  away.  It  is  possibly  a serious 
case,  though  it  is  not  uncommon  for  a 
bride  to  run  away  three  or  four  times 
before  she  is  finally  settled  in  her  hus- 
band's home. 

If  she  cannot  be  persuaded  to  return, 
or  if  the  bridegroom  does  not  wish  to  re- 
ceive her  back,  then  the  Go-between  be- 
comes a lawyer  to  arrange  the  details  of 
the  divorce.  He  must  see  that  the  bride- 
groom returns  to  her  father  all  the  gifts 
which  she  brought  him  as  a marriage- 
portion. 

On  the  whole,  don’t  you  think  the  Go- 
between  has  a rather  difficult  task  ? It 
is  an  unenviable  position,  but  he  is  a nec- 
essary factor  in  our  social  life.  We  can- 
not spare  him  until  our  customs  change, 
or  we  give  up  matrimony. 

3 


IV 


PREPARATION  FOR  THE  WEDDING 

^WFTER  tEe  “ Miyai  ” glance- 
meet^n&  has  passed  and  the 
Ayv  ^athers  of  both  parties  are 
WHl^V\n  a»reed  to  the  wedding,  the 
next  step  is  the  exchange  of 
“Uino.”  “ Ui  ” means  bind,  and  “no,” 
accept.  It  is  the  testimonial  of  their  con- 
sent to  the  marriage.  It  consists  of  wine, 
dry  fish,  and  silk  for  a dress. 

When  the  exchange  of  “ Uino  ” has 
been  made  by  both  parties,  they  begin  to 
plan  for  a suitable  day  for  the  wedding. 
The  Japanese  are  very  superstitious  about 
the  wedding-day,  just  as  some  of  your 
people  are  afraid  of  Friday  and  the  num- 
ber 13.  We  think  it  is  very  unfortunate 
to  be  married  on  the  16th  of  January, 
20th  of  February,  4th  of  March,  18th  of 
April,  6th  of  May,  7th  of  June,  10th  of 


33 


July,  nth  of  August,  9th  of  September, 
3d  of  October,  25th  of  November,  or  30th 
of  December,  also  on  the  grandfather’s 
or  grandmother’s  death  day.  They  never 
dare  to  select  these  days. 

When  the  day  selected  arrives,  the  bride 
will  send  beforehand  everything  which 
she  is  to  take  to  her  husband’s  home. 
She  must  take  all  the  dresses  she  will 
need  for  many  years,  and  almost  all  of 
the  household  furniture.  Even  a lady  in 
moderate  circumstances  will  require  ten 
or  fifteen  persons  to  convey  her  goods  to 
her  new  home.  She  will  also  take  a cer- 
tain amount  of  money,  varying  according 
to  her  position. 

There  is  a great  deal  of  expense  con- 
nected with  a complete  wedding  outfit. 
We  have  a proverb,  “ If  a man  have  three 
daughters,  though  he  be  rich,  he  will  be- 
come poor  to  many  them  off.”  This  is 
one  reason  why  girl  babies  are  not  so  wel- 
come in  a home  as  boy  babies. 

In  some  country  districts,  when  daugh- 
ters begin  to  multiply  in  the  home,  the 
father  will  plant  “ Kiri  ” trees  for  each 
girl,  so  that  when  she  is  fifteen  or  eighteen 


34 


years  old  these  trees  will  be  ready  to  af- 
ford the  means  for  her  wedding  outfit. 
Sometimes  a father  lays  up  a certain  sum 
of  money  when  a daughter  is  born,  and 
keeps  it  for  her  wedding-day,  lest  when 
the  time  comes  he  be  not  able  to  let  her 
marry  in  the  most  approved  style. 

The  wedding  outfit  of  a bride  is  some- 
times arranged  in  a room  at  her  home 
before  the  day  arrives,  and  the  relatives 
and  friends  of  the  family  are  invited  in  to 
view  them. 

Marriage  is  the  time  of  woman’s  trans- 
lation from  girlhood  to  womanhood. 
She  then  makes  a decided  change  in  her 
outward  appearance  as  well  as  in  her 
heart.  There  are  four  changes  which  she 
will  make  in  her  personal  appearance. 

First.  She  changes  the  dressing  of  her 
hair.  There  are  many  more  ways  for 
dressing  the  hair  in  Japan  than  in  Amer- 
ica, but  “ Marwage  ” is  the  only  style  for 
a married  lady.  It  gives  dignity  to  her 
appearance. 

It  is  strange  to  you  that  our  ladies 
do  not  dress  their  own  hair,  but  hire 
a woman  hair-dresser.  For  this  service 


35 


she  pays  from  three  to  ten  cents  each 
time,  and  then  preserves  it  carefully  from 
three  to  seven  days.  This  is  the  reason 
a Japanese  lady  does  not  sleep  on  a soft 
feather  pillow.  She  could  not  keep  her 
hair  looking  well  for  a week  with  the 
American  lady’s  pillow,  so  she  uses  her 
wooden  pillow. 

Japanese  ladies  consider  the  head  the 
most  important  part  of  the  body,  so  they 
spend  a great  deal  of  money  on  their  hair 
ornaments.  They  never  wear  bonnets  or 
ear-rings,  but  their  hair  jewels — kanzas- 
chi,  kogai,  kushi,  and  nemaki  — made  of 
gold,  silver,  coral,  or  turtle-shell,  are  very 
handsome  and  expensive.  A rich  lady 
who  has  the  means  will  make  her  hair 
look  very  pretty  with  these  ornaments. 

Second.  She  must  change  her  girlish 
dress  for  one  that  is  more  dignified  and 
quiet.  I see  very  often,  in  your  country, 
ladies  of  forty  and  fifty  years  dress  very 
gayly,  just  as  our  ten-year-old  girls  do. 
Our  married  ladies  would  not  dare  to 
wear  such  gay  dress  lest  they  be  thought 
crazy. 

Our  best  dresses  are  made  of  silk  of 


36 


different  kinds,  and  common  day  dresses 
of  cotton.  Ladies  do  not  wear  woollen 
goods.  Japanese  ladies’  dresses  are  more 
natural,  yours  more  artificial.  Our  ladies 
do  not  wear  corsets,  nor  do  they  make  any 
unnatural  form  by  padding  here  and  there 
under  their  outer  dress.  Our  lady’s  dress 
is  of  one  piece,  comprising  a long  coat, 
with  a wfide  and  heavy  sash.  There  is  no 
division  into  jacket  and  skirt.  It  is  very 
simple  and  graceful  in  appearance  if  she 
is  sitting  or  standing  still,  but  it  is  not 
suited  for  active  work. 

I learned  in  Princeton — not  in  the  The- 
ological Seminary,  but  in  a tailor-shop — 
that  your  young  ladies  wear  at  least  thirty 
pieces,  counting  everything.  Our  ladies 
would  not  know  what  to  do  with  so 
many.  Nor  do  they  use  a single  pin  in 
dressing.  I always  wonder  why  an  Amer- 
ican lady  is  so  safe  with  so  many  pins  in 
her  dress,  just  like  a pin-cushion  ! It  is  a 
perfect  wonder  to  me  how  American  la- 
dies put  on  so  many  pieces  of  dress  in  so 
neat  and  nice  a manner. 

It  appears  to  be  very  impolite  in  your 
country  to  ask  such  a question  of  any 


37 


lady.  Even  an  American  gentleman  could 
not  discover  the  secret  until  after  he  is 
married,  and  then  I doubt  whether  he 
would  learn  it  in  one  lesson. 

By  a funny  accident  I caught  an  idea 
how  a lady  puts  on  her  skirt.  When  I 
was  travelling  in  Illinois  a dozen  young 
ladies  came  to  see  me.  Seeing  my  “ ha- 
kama,”  which  is  just  like  a skirt  in  ap- 
pearance, but  has  a division  like  a wide 
pantaloon,  one  of  the  young  ladies  seem- 
ed very  anxious  to  try  it  on.  So  I said 
to  her,  “If  you  wish  to  wear  it,  I am  per- 
fectly willing  that  you  should.”  Thank- 
ing me  for  my  words,  she  took  my  “ ha- 
kama”  and  tried  to  put  it  on  from  above 
instead  of  from  below,  as  we  do.  But 
there  was,  unfortunately,  the  pantaloon 
division  in  it,  so  she  could  not  get 
through,  and  *had  hard  work  even  to  get 
out  of  it.  Another  young  lady,  seeing 
her  efforts,  and  laughing  heartily,  said, 
“ Mary,  that  is  not  a skirt ! It  does  not 
go  on  over  your  head  !”  Under  these  cir- 
cumstances I safely  got  a point  how 
American  ladies  get  into  their  skirts. 

Third.  She  must  shave  away  her  eye- 


brows,  to  show  to  any  one  who  may  meet 
her,  “ I am  not  single,  I am  married.” 

Fourth.  She  must  blacken  her  teeth. 
You  may  ask,  “Why  in  the  world  will 
she  do  such  a thing  as  that  ? If  she  wish- 
es to  indicate  that  she  is  married,  surely 
there  are  other  ways,  which  will  not  in- 
jure her  body !”  There  are  two  opposite 
theories  to  account  for  this  custom.  The 
first  is  that  by  shaving  her  eyebrows  and 
blackening  her  teeth  she  adds  to  her 
beauty.  Her  husband  will  be  pleased, 
and  more  devotedly  attached  to  her.  The 
second  theory  is  the  extreme  opposite, 
and  is  that  these  are  signs  to  her  hus- 
band that  she  will  never  change  her 
mind.  Also  by  so  doing  she  will  dimin- 
ish her  attractiveness,  and  prevent  any 
other  man  from  having  affection  for  her. 
It  is  very  hard  to  settle  which  theory  is 
correct.  For  myself,  I do  not  think  these 
customs  are  pretty  and  becoming  to  a 
woman.  They  rather  destroy  her  beauty. 
So  I do  not  think  the  first  theory  is  true, 
but  at  the  same  time  I do  not  think  the 
custom  was  established  simply  to  make  a 
woman  unattractive.  Whichever  is  cor- 


39 


rect,  it  is  a very  foolish  custom  for  any 
married  woman.* 

You  see,  therefore,  that  there  is  a clear 
dividing  line  between  single  and  married 
ladies  in  Japan.  You  can  tell  the  condi- 
tion of  a woman  at  a glance.  This  is  a 
good  plan,  I think.  Once,  while  waiting 
for  a train  at  a small  railroad  junction 
in  your  country,  a young  woman  came 
into  the  same  little  depot,  and  we  waited 
together  for  the  train  about  half  a day.  I 
was  rather  curious  to  know  whether  she 
was  married  or  single,  but  there  was  no 
sign  about  her  to  indicate  what  I was  so 
anxious  to  learn.  I became  very  curious 
as  the  afternoon  passed  along.  Just  be- 
fore the  train  arrived  an  old  lady  met  her 
on  the  platform  who  was  evidently  an  old 
friend.  They  chatted  a while,  and  then 
the  old  lady  asked,  “ Is  your  husband 
well  ?”  She  replied  that  he  was,  and  she 
expected  him  home  from  Chicago  in  a 
few  days.  Now  I had  found  out  that  the 

* In  olden  times  even  men  used  to  blacken  their  teeth, 
and  it  was  quite  the  fashion.  So,  in  my  opinion,  blacking 
teeth  is  the  remnant  of  that  fashion  still  prevailing 
among  women. 


4o 


charming  young  woman  with  whom  I had 
been  talking  was  a happy  wife. 

I think  it  unkind  for  American  ladies 
to  cause  young  men  so  much  anxiety. 
They  ought  to  have  some  token  in  their 
bonnet  or  dress  which  would  indicate 
whether  they  are  married,  single,  or  even 
engaged.  It  would  save  young  Ameri- 
cans much  thought  and  precious  time. 
Shaving  eyebrows  and  blacking  teeth, 
however,  I would  not  recommend  the 
American  brides  to  adopt. 

Now  I have  stated  the  changes  in  form 
which  mark  the  transfer  from  girlhood  to 
womanhood.  There  must  also  be  some 
changes  in  her  heart.  It  is  the  sacred 
duty  of  mothers  to  give  their  daughters 
careful  instruction  for  their  behavior.  She 
will  give  in  detail  instruction  for  her  con- 
duct before  she  is  married,  and  the  daugh- 
ter will  cherish  it  in  her  heart.  General- 
ly the  mother  gives  thirteen  rules,  or 
rather  commandments,  for  they  carry  au- 
thority : 

“ ist.  When  you  marry  you  are  legal- 
ly my  daughter  no  longer ; so  give  the 
same  perfect  obedience  to  your  father- 


in-law  and  mother-in-law  as  you  have 
given  to  your  father  and  mother. 

“ 2d.  When  you  are  married  you  have 
no  other  lord  than  your  husband.  Be 
humble,  be  polite.  Perfect  obedience  to 
the  husband  is  a noble  virtue  for  the  wife. 

“ 3d.  Be  kind  always  to  your  mother- 
in-law  and  sister-in-law. 

“4th.  Don’t  be  jealous.  That  is  not 
the  way  to  win  your  husband’s  affection. 

“ 5th.  Even  where  there  is  injustice  on 
the  husband’s  part,  do  not  be  angry. 
Rather  be  patient,  and  when  he  is  quiet 
then  advise  with  him. 

“6th.  Don’t  talk  much.  Don’t  tell  an- 
other person’s  mischief.  Don’t  in  any 
case  tell  a lie. 

“7th.  Get  up  early;  stay  up  late  at 
night,  and  do  not  take  a nap  in  the  day- 
time. Don’t  drink  much  wine,  and  don’t 
go  into  a crowded  place  until  you  are 
fifty  years  old. 

“ 8th.  Do  not  ask  a fortune-teller  what 
your  future  destiny  will  be. 

“ 9th.  Be  a good  house-keeper ; be  eco- 
nomical in  everything. 

“ 10th.  Though  you  are  married  young, 


42 


do  not  associate  with  young  men,  even  if 
they  are  relatives. 

“nth.  Don’t  wear  a gay  dress.  Be 
clean  always. 

“ 1 2th.  Don’t  be  proud  of  your  father’s 
prosperity  or  position.  Do  not  boast  of 
them  before  your  husband’s  father,  moth- 
er, brother,  or  sister. 

“ 13th.  Be  always  careful  how  you  treat 
the  man-servant  or  maid-servant.” 

After  listening  to  all  these  command- 
ments, she  will  take  a vow  that  she  will 
try  to  do  all  that  she  has  been  taught. 

Now  the  preparations  for  the  wedding 
are  all  made,  and  she  and  her  family  will 
wait  with  great  expectation  for  the  wed- 
ding-day. 


V 


THE  WEDDING  CEREMONY 

NE  morning,  in  a certain  city 


in  the  State  of  New  York, 
a dignified  old  clergyman 
appeared  in  my  room  and 
invited  me  to  attend  the 


Japanese  wedding  which  would  take  place 
in  his  church  that  evening.  I was  delight- 
ed to  receive  such  an  invitation.  I thought 
it  quite  a treat  to  attend  a Japanese  wed- 
ding in  this  Yankee  land,  so  far  from  my 
native  soil. 

But  the  facts  proved  that  it  was  not  a 
true  Japanese  wedding.  His  church  was 
behind  in  his  salary,  and  were  trying  to 
raise  the  deficit  by  giving  a concert  where 
a Japanese  wedding  should  be  the  attrac- 
tion. So  I was  invited,  not  only  to  at- 
tend, but  to  give  a lecture  on  Japan  also. 

He  asked  me  earnestly  to  come,  and 


44 


promised  to  take  me  up  and  down  in 
good  order  in  his  carriage,  and  to  give 
me  a warm  bed  and  a warm  breakfast. 
I accepted  it  cordially,  not  only  for  a 
warm  bed  and  a warm  breakfast,  but  for 
my  curiosity  to  see  a Japanese  wedding 
in  America. 

When  we  arrived  at  the  church  it  was 
packed  full  of  people  waiting  for  the  per- 
formance. Surety,  these  people  take  a 
great  interest  in  Japan.  But  it  took  a 
long  time  for  the  actual  appearance.  Ev- 
idently it  was  a big  job  to  prepare  such  a 
wedding  ceremony  ; but  after  waiting  pa- 
tiently about  half  an  hour  the  ceremony 
began  with  music.  Then  bride  and  bride- 
groom, with  her  five  maids  and  his  five 
best  men,  advanced  slowly  from  either 
end  of  the  stage,  and  all  bowed  to  the 
floor,  and  then  sat  down  in  the  middle  of 
the  platform. 

The  bride  had  a long  white  veil  and 
loose  garment,  and  her  face  was  paint- 
ed with  white  powder.  The  bridegroom 
had  a pigtail  on  his  head,  and  a loose 
garment,  and  shoes  on  his  feet.  The 
bridesmaids  had  a peculiar  hair -dress 


45 


and  funny  garments,  as  had  also  the  best 
men. 

The  first  thing  that  the  bride  and  groom 
did  was  to  kiss  each  other,  and  then  he 
presented  her  with  a gold  watch  as  a 
wedding-gift.  Then  the  bride  and  groom 
drank  something  with  each  other  at  the 
same  time,  from  a queer  pot  which  had  a 
mouth  on  each  side. 

During  this  performance  her  maids  and 
his  men  were  sitting  down  on  the  floor, 
drinking  tea  and  eating  pop-corn. 

This  is  all  I saw  of  this  Japanese  wed- 
ding. Was  it  a Japanese  wedding  ? I 
suppose  this  is  a new  invention  of  a Japan- 
ese wedding  ceremony  for  America,  or  a 
new  importation  from  Japan  to  fit  Amer- 
ican people.  I think  it  more  proper  to 
call  it  a “ cosmopolitan  ” wedding,  for  dif- 
ferent national  characteristics  are  repre- 
sented in  it. 

The  Japanese  never  kiss  on  any  occa- 
sion before  the  public  to  show  their  af- 
fection. A Japanese  bride  will  not  wear 
a long,  thin,  white  veil,  and  Japanese  nev- 
er have  a pigtail  on  their  heads.  A pig- 
tail denotes  a Chinese,  no  question.  Kiss- 


46 


ing  is  an  American  custom.  I don’t  know 
to  what  nation  belongs  the  custom  of 
eating  pop-corn  in  a wedding  ceremony. 
Possibly  it  is  an  Indian  custom.  Allow 
me  to  describe  the  true  Japanese  wedding 
ceremony  in  this  chapter. 

Though  there  are  slight  differences  in 
the  manner  of  conducting  the  wedding 
ceremony  in  different  parts  of  the  Em- 
pire, the  main  part  is  the  same  every- 
where in  Japan.  The  ceremony  never 
takes  place  in  the  morning,  as  you  some- 
times have  it.  Wedding  before  break- 
fast— in  such  a sleepy  and  hungry  hour! 
The  “diamond  edition  of  humanity  ” are 
not  in  such  a hurry  to  get  married  as  that. 
It  occurs  with  us  generally  in  the  evening. 

Naturally,  all  will  be  very  anxious  about 
the  weather  on  this  important  day,  so 
they  will  get  up  early  and  look  at  the  sky, 
though  we  cannot  depend  safely  on  the 
weather  in  the  morning.  It  varies  ac- 
cording to  the  season.  This  very  day  will 
be  the  busiest  and  most  anxious  day  of 
all  their  lives  to  the  expectant  couple. 

The  bride  will  take  great  pains  to  pol- 
ish and  smooth  her  face  with  rice  bran, 


47 


and  paint  it  with  “ Oshiroi  ” (white  pow- 
der), and  also  paint  her  lips  with  “ Beni” 
(red  color).  In  my  judgment,  there  are  no 
such  skilful  painters  in  the  wide  world 
as  the  Japanese  ladies.  It  takes  a longer 
time  than  usual  to  paint  and  dress  her 
hair  for  this  important  event. 

The  bride’s  wedding-dress  is  generally 
pure  white — three  or  four  comely  pat- 
terned, long  garments  we  call  “ Kimono.” 
Generally  a lady’s  sleeve  is  one  foot  four 
inches  long ; but  the  wedding  “ Kimo- 
no’s ” sleeve  is  two  feet  five  inches  long, 
so  we  call  such  a dress  “ Furisode.”  Her 
sash,  called  “ Obi,”  is  eleven  feet  long  and 
eight  a half  inches  wide.  She  wears  white 
stockings  with  the  divided  toe,  all  of  these 
made  from  rich  silk  of  various  kinds.  A 
thick  cover  made  of  floss  silk  hides  her 
head  and  face.  Any  J apanese  lady  dressed 
in  this  way  will  be  very  pretty,  becoming, 
and  attractive. 

The  bridegroom  is  dressed  in  “ Kami- 
shimo,”  a peculiar  dress  worn  on  this  oc- 
casion, and  made  of  various  kinds  of  silk, 
its  colors  differing  according  to  the  rank 
to  which  he  belongs. 


48 


The  wedding  ceremony  will  always 
take  place  in  the  bridegroom’s  house, 
where  the  main  room  has  been  decorated 
for  the  purpose.  Wedding  decorations 
are  very  simple.  Of  course  the  room 
will  be  cleaned  with  great  care,  and  gen- 
erally they  will  change  the  matting  for 
new,  and  the  door-sash  ought  to  be  re- 
covered with  white  paper.  The  “ Toko- 
noma  ” — or  that  part  of  the  room  which  is 
raised  a few  inches  above  the  floor — should 
be  decorated  with  pine,  bamboo,  and  plum 
blossoms  in  vases,  with  three  pictures  ap- 
propriate to  the  occasion  hanging  on  the 
wall  of  this  “ Tokonoma.”  Pine,  bam- 
boo, and  plum  are  very  lucky  flowers  for 
the  wedding.  In  the  middle  of  the  room 
we  put  a small  table  made  of  white-wood, 
upon  which  is  an  artificial  pine-tree,  and 
at  either  end  of  the  table  is  an  old  man 
and  an  old  woman.  These  are  dolls, 
dressed  in  the  ancient  style.  The  mean- 
ing of  this  decoration  is  a wish  for  long 
life  and  prosperity  to  the  bride  and 
groom. 

Before  the  evening  of  the  wedding-day 
the  bridegroom  sends  a few  persons  to 


49 


the  bride’s  house  to  welcome  the  bride. 
Then,  when  all  things  are  ready,  they 
kindle  a little  fire  in  the  entrance  to  the 
bride’s  home,  and  she  is  carried  by  in  a 
“ Kago,”  or  “ Norimono,”  to  her  future 
home.  On  this  occasion,  as  at  a funeral, 
the  “ Kago  ” is  carried  by  two  persons, 
the  back  end  foremost.  Her  father  and 
mother,  the  Go-between,  the  friends  who 
came  to  welcome  the  bride,  and  a few 
servants,  follow  in  a procession.  The 
servants  carry  presents  for  the  bride- 
groom’s family,  and  all  have  brightly 
lighted  lanterns,  bearing  the  crest  of  the 
bride’s  family.  These  presents  are  for 
every  member  of  the  bridegroom’s  fam- 
ily, including  the  servants.  The  bride 
will  be  treated  by  the  servants  according 
to  the  present  they  have  received,  so  her 
father  must  be  very  generous  in  the  wed- 
ding-gifts. 

There  are  two  theories  about  the  cus- 
tom of  using,  on  such  a happy  occasion, 
ceremonies  like  a funeral  — the  bride 
dressing  in  white,  and  being  carried  in  a 
“ Kago,”  and  the  kindling  of  a fire  at  the 
entrance  of  her  home.  The  first  is  that 


5° 


the  fire  and  the  white  denote  purity,  and 
so  are  very  appropriate  to  be  used  on 
such  an  occasion.  The  second  theory  is 
that,  although  the  wedding  is  without 
doubt  a joyful  occasion,  yet  when  a girl 
becomes  a bride  and  leaves  her  father’s 
home,  she  is  already  dead  to  her  father 
and  mother,  and  lives  now  only  for  her 
husband,  and  she  is  going  to  die  in  her 
husband’s  home.  Hence  the  use  of  fu- 
neral ceremonies. 

This  latter  theory  is  nearer  the  truth, 
for  many  other  customs  at  the  time  in- 
dicate the  connection  in  their  thoughts 
with  a funeral. 

If  the  bridegroom  lives  in  the  city,  then 
the  houses  on  his  street  will  be  decorated 
with  lanterns  hung  in  the  entrances  for 
congratulations.  When  the  bride  comes 
to  the  home  of  the  groom  she  will  be 
taken  first  to  the  dressing-room.  Here, 
with  the  aid  of  the  looking-glass  and  by 
the  assistance  of  her  maids,  she  will  ar- 
range her  dress  and  then  wait  for  the 
ceremony. 

Now  all  things  are  ready,  and  the  bride 
comes,  moving  slowly  and  gracefully,  into 


■ ’ll  — 'plkk 


the  chief  room,  which  has  been  decorated 
for  the  ceremony.  The  bridegroom  is 
already  seated  on  the  upper  seat  on  the 
front  of  the  “ Tokonoma,”  and  is  waiting 
in  a solemn  manner  for  the  bride.  She 
comes  and  takes  the  next  seat  to  him, 
which  is  a lower  seat,  and  the  Go-between 
sits  down  in  front  of  the  couple.  By  the 
side  of  the  bride  will  sit  two  married  la- 
dies or  two  little  girls. 

When  all  are  seated  quietly  and  in  a 
dignified  manner,  one  or  two  voices  will 
be  heard  in  the  next  room  singing  a Jap- 
anese song,  “ Utai,”  without  instrumental 
accompaniment,  and  this  solo  or  duet  will 
continue  through  the  whole  ceremony. 

A small  table  is  now  brought  in,  made 
of  white-wood,  about  one  foot  square  and 
a foot  and  a half  high.  Upon  it  are  three 
flat  cups,  the  first  one  small,  the  second 
larger,  and  the  third  larger  still.  This  is 
placed  in  front  of  the  bride,  and  one  of 
the  ladies  or  little  girls  sitting  by  her  will 
pour  out  a little  “sake”  (Japanese  wine) 
into  the  cups  from  a wine -jar,  which  is 
decorated  with  butterflies  made  of  paper. 
She  then  hands  the  smallest  cup  to  the 


54 


After  all  have  retired,  the  wife  of  the 
Go-between  will  take  the  couple  to  their 
bedroom,  and  after  they  are  in  bed  an- 
other cup  of  wine  will  be  exchanged  by 
the  bride  and  bridegroom  in  the  presence 
of  the  wife  of  the  Go-between.  This  ends 
the  ceremony. 

When  a woman  marries  she  simply 
changes  her  name,  and  the  new  name  is 
registered  in  the  Government  office, 
which  is  the  public  acknowledgment  by 
the  Government  that  they  are  married. 
There  is  no  regular  rule  to  pay  a fee  to 
the  Go-between,  as  in  America  you  do  to 
the  minister,  but  generally  he  receives  a 
great  deal  of  money  as  thanks  for  what 
he  has  done  for  the  couple.  He  natu- 
rally expects  a good  fee,  and  if  it  is  not 
paid  him  he  will  come  often  to  borrow 
money.  As  I have  already  stated,  mar- 
riage is  a very  expensive  thing  in  every 
way  in  Japan  ; but  if  wre  are  in  Japan, 
we  cannot  help  it— we  must  marry,  any- 
way. 

Marriage  is  one  of  three  great  ceremo- 
nies in  Japan.  Every  Japanese  must  ob- 
serve these  three  great  events.  When 


55 


he  is  married  he  has  already  celebrated 
two  of  them  — birth  and  marriage;  and 
the  third  ceremony  to  be  celebrated  is 
death. 


54 


After  all  have  retired,  the  wife  of  the 
Go-between  will  take  the  couple  to  their 
bedroom,  and  after  they  are  in  bed  an- 
other cup  of  wine  will  be  exchanged  by 
the  bride  and  bridegroom  in  the  presence 
of  the  wife  of  the  Go-between.  This  ends 
the  ceremony. 

When  a woman  marries  she  simply 
changes  her  name,  and  the  new  name  is 
registered  in  the  Government  office, 
which  is  the  public  acknowledgment  by 
the  Government  that  they  are  married. 
There  is  no  regular  rule  to  pay  a fee  to 
the  Go-between,  as  in  America  you  do  to 
the  minister,  but  generally  he  receives  a 
great  deal  of  money  as  thanks  for  what 
he  has  done  for  the  couple.  He  natu- 
rally expects  a good  fee,  and  if  it  is  not 
paid  him  he  will  come  often  to  borrow 
money.  As  I have  already  stated,  mar- 
riage is  a very  expensive  thing  in  every 
way  in  Japan  ; but  if  we  are  in  Japan, 
we  cannot  help  it — we  must  marry,  any- 
way. 

Marriage  is  one  of  three  great  ceremo- 
nies in  Japan.  Every  Japanese  must  ob- 
serve these  three  great  events.  When 


55 


he  is  married  he  has  already  celebrated 
two  of  them  — birth  and  marriage;  and 
the  third  ceremony  to  be  celebrated  is 
death. 


VI 


THE  HONEY-MOON 

HAT  is  the  honey-moon  ? I 
was  told  in  America  that 
the  honey-moon  is  “ the  first 
month  after  marriage,  when 
there  is  nothing  but  tender- 
ness and  pleasure.”  If  this  is  true,  then 
there  is  no  such  thing  as  the  honey-moon 
in  Japan.  The  first  month  after  marriage 
is  the  most  trying  time,  especially  for  the 
bride.  This  period  is  rather  bitter  as 
medicine  than  sweet  as  honey  in  her 
life.  The  first  month  after  marriage  is 
the  bitter-moon  rather  than  the  honey- 
moon for  a Japanese  bride. 

With  you  the  bride  and  groom  have 
an  opportunity  for  seeing  each  other  and 
becoming  well  acquainted  before  the  wed- 
ding. When  a young  man  is  engaged  to 
a girl,  he  will  take  her  to  church  or  lect- 


57 


ures  or  parties,  and  see  her  safely  back 
to  her  home.  Sometimes  he  calls  on  her 
every  evening,  and  stays  in  the  parlor 
with  her  until  twelve  or  one  o’clock. 

I had  a very  funny  experience  with 
American  lovers  while  staying  one  night 
in  a family  where  there  were  two  beauti- 
ful daughters.  One  of  them  was  evident- 
ly engaged,  and  was  going  to  marry  very 
soon.  In  the  evening  a young  man  came 
to  call  upon  her.  I knew  at  once  by  his 
behavior  that  this  was  the  one  to  whom 
she  was  engaged.  We  all  retired  early 
to  our  rooms,  as  I understood  it  is  Amer- 
ican etiquette  to  give  full  time  to  such  a 
young  man,  and  I was  thoroughly  drilled 
to  do  so  while  staying  four  years  in  your 
country.  Surely,  this  young  man  had  a 
good  time  with  his  lady,  and  stayed  with 
her  until  one  o’clock,  and  at  such  a late 
hour  he  drove  back  four  miles  to  his 
home  in  a deep  snow. 

I heard  almost  all  of  her  talk  with  him, 
as  fortunately,  or  unfortunately,  my  bed- 
room was  in  the  very  next  room  to  where 
they  were  visiting,  though  they  were  talk- 
ing very  low.  I would  not  dare  to  de- 


scribe  it,  because  it  is  too  sweet  and  deli- 
cate for  these  pages.  But  I was  very 
much  impressed  by  one  thing:  when  about 
to  retire,  she  took  her  shoes  off,  and  went 
up  to  her  bedroom  very  softly.  Evidently 
she  did  not  wish  to  disturb  any  one. 

Although  young  men  and  ladies  are  so 
much  together  before  marriage,  still  they 
are  not  satisfied.  After  the  wedding,  and 
especially  for  the  first  month,  they  are 
never  separated.  Whether  on  the  street 
or  in  the  home,  when  you  see  one  you 
see  the  other  close  by.  They  are  bold 
enough  before  the  public,  and  do  just  as 
they  like.  Before  father  or  mother  or 
stranger  they  are  not  afraid  to  show  their 
affection. 

When  a Japanese  bride  gets  up  in  the 
morning — she  must  get  up  very  early,  no 
matter  how  late  she  went  to  sleep — the 
first  thing  she  must  see  her  mother-in- 
law  and  father-in-law,  and  ask  them  how 
they  slept,  and  so  on.  Then  she  must 
mingle  with  the  servants  freely  from  the 
first  day.  No  such  thing  as  a wedding- 
trip  in  Japan. 

The  bride  and  groom  are  generally  re- 


59 


served  when  they  are  in  the  room  to- 
gether with  other  people  of  the  house. 
They  do  not  even  talk  familiarly  with 
each  other,  or  show  any  affection.  Most 
of  them  have  no  affection  to  show,  be- 
cause, as  I stated  in  the  first  chapter,  they 
never  marry  for  love.  A great  many  of 
them  never  met  before  they  were  mar- 
ried, so  how  can  a bride  act  affectionate- 
ly ? And  supposing  they  were  acquainted 
beforehand,  and  had  some  affection  for 
each  other,  how  could  they  show  it  be- 
fore mother-in-law  and  father-in-law? 
In  this  respect  your  honey -moon  is  a 
grand  thing  for  the  bride  and  bridegroom, 
if  they  do  not  travel  too  extensively  and 
become  all  tired  out. 

I never  saw  anything  in  my  life  like 
your  young  people  to  show  their  affec- 
tion in  public  places  during  the  honey- 
moon. Japanese  are  very  reserved,  even 
though  they  wish  to  show  their  affec- 
tion. 

Once  when  I was  visiting  at  the  Mam- 
moth Cave  in  Kentucky,  there  were  three 
couples  of  strangers  going  through  at  the 
same  time.  They  were  little  company 


6o 


for  me,  so  I took  a negro  guide,  whose 
name  was  George,  as  my  companion. 
While  we  were  going  through  the  cave 
he  and  I became  very  good  friends,  and 
he  told  me  that  he  had  been  there  thirty- 
five  years,  and  went  into  the  cave  nearly 
every  day.  So  he  was  very  familiar  with 
everything  there ; not  only  the  cave,  but 
he  could  tell  a good  deal  about  the  peo- 
ple who  visited  it.  Evidently  he  was 
quite  a prophet.  He  told  me  that  he 
could  prophesy  how  long  these  three 
couples  had  been  married. 

“ Well !”  I exclaimed,  for  this  was  a 
new  idea  to  me.  “ Could  you,  indeed,  tell 
me  how  long  ago  they  married?  Are 
you  not  fooling  me  ?”  He  said,  “ Naw. 
boss,  I’se  in  dead  earnest,  I is !”  I was 
very  anxious  to  take  the  art  of  knowing 
that  secret  to  my  far-off  home  in  Japan, 
so  I insisted  that  he  should  explain  it  to 
me.  He  said  that  the  first  couple  had 
been  married  at  least  fifteen  years,  the 
second  only  five  years,  and  the  third  was 
just  married. 

“ Well,”  I said,  “ it  is  easy  enough  to  say 
so ; but  prove  it  to  me.  What  evidence 


6i 


have  you?  Without  evidence  I cannot 
believe  it.” 

Then  he  proceeded  to  give  me  very 
satisfactory  proof  that  it  was  just  as  he 
said.  He  told  me  to  notice  the  first  couple, 
and  said  that  when  the  wife  went  away  by 
herself,  and  even  when  she  approached 
pretty  dangerous  places,  her  husband  did 
not  seem  to  care,  but  went  off  by  himself. 
Fifteen  years  had  made  them  somewhat 
indifferent.  When  the  second  wife  went 
off,  her  husband  followed  close  behind, 
to  take  care  of  her.  They  had  not  been 
married  longer  than  five  years.  The 
third  couple  acted  quite  differently. 

“ Now  look  dar  at  dat  odder  couple,” 
says  George.  “ See  dar ! he  don’  neber 
leab  his  honey  at  all ! An’  see  dar ! see 
him  squeezin’  her!  Jus’  a huggin’  an’  a 
squeezin’  wheneber  dey  get  in  de  shadder 
a little.  Now  what  I tol’  yer  ? Dat  couple 
done  jus’  got  married  ! Hi  ?” 

I was  convinced  that  his  logic  was  cor- 
rect, and  when  we  came  into  the  “ Bridal 
Chamber”  I had  good  proof  that  my  dar- 
ky guide  was  a true  prophet.  There  was 
no  question  but  that  this  third  couple 


62 


were  spending  a part  of  their  honey- 
moon down  in  the  cave.  So  I learned 
that  in  America  you  can  tell  how  long  a 
couple  have  been  married  by  the  indif- 
ference or  affection  they  exhibit  towards 
each  other. 

In  Japan  we  can  tell  very  well  how 
long  a couple  have  been  married ; not  by 
their  display  of  affection,  but  by  their 
dress  and  features.  Our  bride  and  bride- 
groom never  embrace  before  the  public, 
not  even  in  a dark  place  like  the  Mam- 
moth Cave. 

It  seems  to  me  that  there  is  a rule  that 
a Japanese  bride  for  the  first  few  days 
shall  say  to  her  husband  as  few  words  as 
possible ; so  when  her  husband  asks  her 
a question  she  will  answer  simply  “ Yes  ” 
or  “ No.”  The  second  day  she  will  sew 
a little,  partly  to  show  to  her  mother-in- 
law  her  ability,  partly  to  kill  time,  partly  to 
cover  her  bashfulness.  She  comes  among 
strange  people,  and  it  will  be  very  trying 
to  be  placed  under  such  unusual  circum- 
stances. She  has  no  one  to  talk  familiar- 
ly with,  for  even  her  husband  is  a com- 
parative stranger.  Under  such  trying 


63 


circumstances  there  must  be  some  kind 
of  escape,  where  she  can  relax  and  have 
a good  time,  and  such  an  escape  is  well 
provided. 

The  third  or  seventh  day  after  she  is 
married  she  will  go  back  to  her  father’s 
home  to  stay  three  or  seven  days,  and 
will  have  a good  time  mingling  with  her 
old  friends.  During  her  stay  at  home 
her  husband  will  come  to  her  father’s 
home  with  presents  for  all  the  household 
from  father  to  servants,  just  as  the  bride 
brought  presents  to  the  groom’s  home. 
Then  her  father  will  provide  a big  feast 
for  him,  and  invite  all  of  his  own  friends 
to  introduce  them  to  his  son-in-law. 

Sometimes  when  the  bride  comes  home 
for  this  visit  she  will  not  consent  to  go 
back  to  her  husband,  and  after  only  three 
days  of  married  life  a divorce  will  take 
place  ; but  generally  the  bride  will  go 
back  to  the  groom’s  house  and  begin  her 
wedded  life  there. 

After  she  has  gone  back  to  her  new 
home  her  mother-in-law  takes  her  to  all 
the  houses  which  offered  congratulations 
to  her  by  putting  lanterns  in  their  door- 


ways  when  she  was  married,  and  to  them 
she  is  introduced.  Within  a few  days 
she  must  send  bean -rice  or  cake  to  the 
relatives  and  friends  who  sent  wedding- 
presents,  as  an  acknowledgment  of  their 
kindness.  These  are  all  heavy  burdens 
she  must  bear  during  the  first  month  of 
her  married  life.  And  this  period  you 
call  the  honey-moon  ! 


VII 


BRIDE  AND  BRIDEGROOM  AT  HOME 

T is  an  unknown  custom  to 
us  that  when  a son  is  mar- 
ried he  will  leave  his  father’s 
home,  and  make  his  own 
home  along  with  his  bride, 
as  your  young  people  do.  Before  your 
bride  and  groom  have  their  home  well 
settled,  they  need  a good  deal  of  time 
and  money  for  furnishing.  Our  bride 
and  groom  live  under  the  same  roof  with 
the  groom’s  father  and  mother,  so  every- 
thing is  at  hand,  and  no  furniture  to  buy. 

Generally,  when  the  father  gets  over 
fifty  years  old,  he  will  become  “ Inkio  ” — 
that  is,  retired  from  active  life  — and 
will  transfer  all  his  property  to  his  son. 
From  this  time  his  son  becomes  sole 
master  of  the  house,  and  will  take  in 
hand  all  the  responsibility  of  the  house- 


66 


hold,  and  will  provide  whatever  his  father 
and  mother  want  for  their  support  and 
pleasure.  This  is  not  only  the  case  when 
the  father  has  some  property  and  hands 
it  down  to  his  son  ; even  when  the  fa- 
ther is  poor  and  has  a large  amount  of 
debts,  when  he  gets  over  fifty  years  old 
he  will  retire  and  become  “ Inkio,”  and 
will  urge  his  son  to  work,  even  though 
he  is  too  young  to  do  anything.  He  puts 
all  the  burden  of  his  heavy  debts  on  his 
son’s  shoulders.  Japanese  are  obliged 
to  support  their  fathers  and  mothers 
when  they  get  old,  though  the  parents 
are  still  strong  enough  to  work  and  sup- 
port themselves  without  any  help.  This 
is  the  great  temptation  to  an  evil  father 
to  indulge  himself  in  drinking  wine  and 
other  bad  habits,  and  then  give  the  hard 
work  to  his  son  to  support  him.  Though 
many  Japanese  feel  unwilling  to  support 
the  father,  they  cannot  help  it,  because 
our  custom,  or  rather  our*morality,  urge 
us  to  support  the  father  as  a solemn 
duty  of  sonship ; so  we  will  support  our 
parents  as  a duty,  though  we  have  no 
heart  or  joy  in  it. 


67 


Many  foreigners,  seeing  our  external 
virtue  in  supporting  our  old  fathers  and 
mothers  and  providing  them  with  all  com- 
forts as  a duty  of  sonship,  praise  us  too 
much.  I am  sure  if  foreigners  could  see 
the  inner  life  of  our  home,  they  would 
take  back  half  of  their  praises  in  this 
respect.  Is  it  right  to  support  the  father 
when  he  gets  over  fifty  years  old,  no  mat- 
ter whether  he  is  able  to  work  or  not  ? Is 
it  reasonable  in  this  progressive  age  to 
retire  from  an  active  life  because  a man 
is  over  fifty  years  of  age  ? No  one  will 
deny  that  it  is  an  honorable  duty  upon 
the  son’s  part  to  support  the  father  when 
he  gets  old  and  is  not  able  to  work,  or  is 
pl^sically  weak.  We  do  it  joyfully  and 
willingly  in  such  a case  ; but  I cannot 
think  it  is  sound  morals  to  support  a fa- 
ther without  any  discrimination,  simply 
because  he  is  a father. 

Living  together  in  the  same  house  with 
father  and  mother  is  the  death-blow  to 
Japanese  homes.  It  is  almost  impossi- 
ble that  old  and  young  can  manage  their 
household  affairs  without  disagreement. 
It  is  very  natural  that  the  old  mother  will 


6S 


not  be  satisfied  with  what  the  young  and 
inexperienced  bride  will  do  in  keeping 
household  affairs  in  her  own  way. 

Generally,  the  mother-in-law  in  Japan  is 
very  strict  and  troublesome  to  the  bride. 
She  wants  to  control  her  in  her  way,  un- 
der her  strict  government,  and  she  has 
sometimes  more  authority  over  her  than 
her  husband  has.  She  commands  her  in 
all  things.  She  keeps  her  eye  upon  her 
daily  conduct,  and  teaches  her,  just  like  a 
little  child,  how  to  eat,  how  to  handle 
chopsticks,  and  how  to  salute  a person. 
It  is  a harder  task  for  a bride  to  please 
her  mother-in-law  than  to  please  her 
husband. 

A wife’s  position  in  our  home  is  that 
of  mistress  rather  than  queen.  Your  say- 
ing, “ Woman’s  work  is  never  done,”  is 
quite  true  in  our  home.  The  wife  gets 
up  first,  and  goes  to  sleep  late ; and  she 
will  work  all  day  long,  looking  after  the 
kitchen,  opening  sliding  doors  in  the 
morning,  and  shutting  them  in  the  even- 
ing; putting  away  our  soft  cotton  beds 
every  morning  in  the  closet,  and  setting 
them  up  in  the  evening ; cleaning  our 


69 


rooms  every  day,  and  sewing  a great  part 
of  the  day  and  night.  When  the  husband 
goes  out  and  comes  home,  she  will  look 
after  all  his  clothing.  Without  a wife  the 
Japanese  man  is  quite  helpless.  When 
he  eats  she  will  wait  upon  him,  and  she 
will  give  all  the  comforts  she  can  to  her 
husband,  and  will  make  home  as  attract- 
ive as  possible  to  him. 

When  a guest  comes,  she  wTill  make 
tea,  and  will  let  the  maid -servant  take 
it  to  the  guest,  and  she  will  entertain  a 
guest  with  cake  always.  If  he  comes  at 
dinner  or  supper  time,  she  must  be  sure 
to  entertain  him  with  dinner  or  supper, 
and  offer  him  a bottle  of  sake  to  show 
her  hospitality.  Japanese  never  come  to 
our  homes  to  make  a short  call  of  five 
minutes,  as  you  do ; when  they  come 
they  stay  long,  sometimes  three  or  four 
hours,  though  they  are  not  specially  in- 
vited. Now,  when  sake  begins,  some- 
times they  drink  and  drink  until  mid- 
night— nay,  until  daylight. 

Japanese  know  very  little  of  the  value 
of  time  and  the  laws  of  health.  They  do 
not  eat  heartily  at  meal-time,  but  eat  cake 


7o 


and  buckwheat,  or  anything,  and  drink 
tea  at  any  time  they  wish  between  meals. 
These  extra  eatings  and  drinkings  in- 
crease the  household  duties  of  the  wife. 

A Japanese  home  always  has  a “ Butsu- 
dan,”  the  shrine  or  altar  where  stands  the 
family  idol,  and  also  many  small  tablets 
on  which  the  names  and  time  of  death  of 
the  ancestors  are  recorded.  Even  some 
of  our  poor  Japanese  go  to  great  expense 
to  get  this  “ Butsu-dan,”  which  is  a large 
box  gilded  with  gold,  and  is  put  in  a con- 
spicuous place  in  the  house.  Every  morn- 
ing and  evening  prayers  are  offered  in 
front  of  this  “ Butsu-dan,”  and  flowers, 
rice,  tea,  and  incense-sticks  are  brought 
by  members  of  the  family. 

The  graves  of  ancestors  are  also  very 
carefully  kept  all  through  the  year,  and 
when  the  anniversary  of  their  ancestors’ 
deaths  and  the  16th  of  July  comes,  they 
take  special  pains  to  clean  the  graveyard, 
and  offer  prayers  and  flowers  and  clean 
water  in  front  of  their  graves.  Japanese 
think  that  when  the  16th  of  July  comes, 
all  ancestors,  from  Paradise  or  hell,  make 
a yearly  visit  to  our  homes. 


The  first  or  second  or  fifth  or  tenth 
anniversary  of  the  death  of  ancestors  is 
strictly  kept,  and  all  the  relations  and 
friends  are  invited  to  their  homes,  and 
a feast  is  made  for  them.  Buddhist  priests 
are  also  invited,  and  prayers  are  offered 
and  religious  ceremonies  are  performed 
by  them.  Some  Japanese  perform  this 
religious  ceremony  every  year  on  the  an- 
niversary of  their  ancestors’  deaths.  It  is 
the  wife’s  great  duty  to  attend  all  these 
ceremonies,  and  to  go  to  the  ancestors’ 
graves  as  often  as  possible,  and  show 
her  great  respect  to  her  husband’s  an- 
cestors. 

It  is  quite  curious  that  though  we  show 
a great  respect  for  the  anniversary  of  our 
ancestors’  deaths,  we  do  not  celebrate  the 
anniversary  of  a wedding,  as  you  do.  We 
know  nothing  about  paper,  wooden,  cot- 
ton, glass,  silver,  gold,  and  diamond  wed- 
dings. In  fact,  even  if  we  had  such  a 
custom,  we  seldom  have  a joyful  oppor- 
tunity to  celebrate  a silver,  gold,  or  dia- 
mond wedding.  You  may  think,  judging 
from  the  fact  that  our  marriages  take 
place  in  early  life,  that  we  have  a chance 


72 


to  celebrate  silver  or  gold  weddings  more 
commonly  than  you.  Unhappily,  it  is  not 
so,  because  it  is  not  a rare  thing  for  Jap- 
anese to  change  their  wives  more  than 
once  or  twice  in  their  lives.  There  are 
many  Japanese  husbands  who  have  their 
third  or  fourth  wife,  though  their  first, 
second,  or  third  wife  is  still  living. 

Our  bride  may  have  a great  grief  and 
heart-breaking  which  your  bride  may  not 
meet  in  her  life.  The  husband  may  do 
anything  he  wishes  with  absolute  free- 
dom. He  may  stay  out  a week  or  a 
month  if  he  does  not  choose  to  come 
home.  He  may  have  a concubine  in  his 
own  house  or  in  a private  house,  and  the 
wife  has  no  right  to  oppose  her  husband’s 
wishes.  If  she  does  oppose  and  say  dis- 
agreeable things  to  him,  what  is  the  re- 
sult of  it  ? The  consequence  will  be  more 
trouble  than  ever  in  her  life.  Therefore 
a Japanese  wife  will  allow  her  husband 
to  do  whatever  he  wishes,  and  will  treat 
him  as  lovingly  and  pleasantly  as  possible, 
though  her  heart  is  full  of  a grief  and 
sorrow  like  death. 

This  is  the  point  which  so  many  for- 


73 


eigners  admire,  that  Japanese  wives  are  so 
pleasing  to  their  husbands,  and  so  devoted 
to  them.  I do  not  wish  here  to  compare 
whether  it  is  better  to  have  such  a hum- 
ble wife,  or  a stubborn  and  self-willed 
wife,  such  as  I have  seen  sometimes  in 
American  homes.  Some  Japanese,  see- 
ing such  a wife  in  some  of  your  homes, 
claim  that  Japanese  homes  are  far  better, 
when  really  they  know  nothing  about  the 
matter.  Such  a wife  is  the  exception  in 
your  home,  and  there  are  hundreds  and 
thousands  of  homes  in  America  where 
husband  and  wife  are  united  with  an  un- 
fading love.  They  equal  each  other  in 
their  rights,  and  share  the  same  grief 
and  joy. 

In  some  cases  our  wives  show  a great 
self-denial  in  pleasing  their  husbands, 
and  some  wives  are  willing  to  do  so  blind- 
ly and  ignorantly  ; for  our  young  women 
are  educated  from  childhood  to  believe 
that  it  is  a noble  virtue  for  any  wife  to 
obey  whatever  her  husband  commands. 
She  thinks  that  it  is  a duty  and  an  obli- 
gation to  obey  her  husband,  no  matter 
whether  it  be  right  or  wrong. 


74 


Some  have  an  idea  that  when  the  hus- 
band commands  the  wife  to  do  anything 
like  stealing  or  selling  her  virtue,  though 
the  action  may  be  wrong  in  its  nature, 
when  she  does  wrong  for  her  husband’s 
sake  such  action  becomes  morally  good. 
Some  have  the  very  low  idea  that  when 
a woman  is  married  she  is  given  to  her 
husband  by  her  father.  When  a father 
wants  to  have  his  daughter  married,  he 
will  say,  “ I want  to  give  away  my  daugh- 
ter,” and  a person  who  is  going  to  marry 
will  say,  “ I will  take  her.”  Therefore, 
she  is  given  to  him  when  she  is  married 
just  like  a bed  or  a table.  Hence  her 
husband  has  a right  to  do  anything  with 
her,  and  if  she  does  not  wish  to  obey,  it 
is  a simple  process  to  return  her  to  her 
father,  who  is  the  original  owner. 

Though  the  standard  of  morality  is  de- 
cidedly low  in  Japan,  and  our  Government 
permits  concubinage  as  a social  system, 
and  although  parents  allow  their  sons  to 
have  concubines  from  the  low  and  mean 
class  of  women,  yet  a strict  father  and 
mother  would  not  dare  to  allow  a son  to 
bring  into  the  household  as  a wife  such 


75 


a mean  and  low  character  of  woman  as  the 
“ Geisha  ” (dancing-girl).  The  “ Geisha  ” 
class  are  degraded  in  their  hearts  with- 
out exception  ; so  if  any  one  takes  such  a 
one  as  his  wife  in  his  home,  he  shows  pub- 
licly his  own  degradation  of  character. 
Yet  our  high  officers  often  get  their  wives 
from  such  a class  of  women.  This  “ Gei- 
sha” class  is  a moral  evil  in  the  Japanese 
young  man’s  life,  a blight  on  our  society, 
and  a devil  to  destroy  our  home  life.  So 
long  as  such  a class  of  women  exists  and 
is  recognized  by  the  Government  and  by 
public  society,  the  condition  of  all  women 
must  be  very  low.  Suppose  a husband 
is  attracted  by  such  a class  of  women,  and 
his  wife  makes  a commotion  in  her  home 
about  it,  the  result  is  that  divorce  will 
take  place  immediately.  The  relation  of 
husband  and  wife  is  so  thin  that  it  may 
be  easily  broken. 

There  are  seven  causes  for  divorce  in 
Japan.  They  are  impressed  upon  our 
women  from  childhood. 

i st.  Disobedience  to  the  father  and 
mother  in  law ; 2d.  No  child ; 3d.  Adul- 
tery ; 4th.  Jealousy ; 5th.  Loathsome  dis- 


76 


ease ; 6th.  Talking  too  much  ; 7th.  Steal- 
ing. 

There  is  another  cause  for  divorce 
stronger  than  these  seven  rules : that  is, 
if  a husband  dislikes  his  wife,  at  any  time 
he  can  divorce  her.  No  court  appears  to 
divorce  a wife  in  japan.  It  depends  upon 
the  will  of  the  man  absolutely,  and  the 
wife  has  no  right  to  divorce  her  hus- 
band. If  a husband  wishes  to  divorce 
his  wife,  he  may  call  the  Go-between  and 
state  the  case  to  him,  and  let  him  com- 
municate the  matter  to  the  wife’s  father, 
and  then  he  returns  her  to  her  father’s 
house  and  to  her  old  family  name.  That 
ends  all  divorce  cases.  It  is  far  easier 
than  to  marry,  though  Japanese  marriage 
is  easily  managed,  as  you  have  already 
seen. 

The  main  cause  for  divorce  in  Japan  is 
that  the  husband  dislikes  his  wife,  but 
there  are  hundreds  of  cases  where  the 
divorce  takes  place  because  the  mother- 
in-law  dislikes  the  wife.  A few  years 
ago  an  educated  girl  was  married  to  a 
man  who  had  an  old  stupid  mother.  One 
day  at  dinner  she  took  for  herself  the 


77 


upper  part  of  the  fish,  and  gave  the  lower 
part  to  her  husband,  because  she  thought 
the  upper  part  bony  and  not  easily  eaten, 
and  she  wished  to  show  her  good-will 
to  her  husband ; but  her  mother-in-law, 
seeing  it,  was  very  angry,  because  she 
thought  the  upper  part  of  the  fish  was 
only  to  be  eaten  by  the  husband,  and  the 
lower  part  by  the  wife.  The  wife  ex- 
plained why  she  did  it,  but  the  old  stupid 
mother-in-law  would  not  hear,  and  was 
just  deaf  to  the  wife’s  reasoning.  A great 
discussion  followed,  and  as  a consequence 
the  wife  was  divorced,  though  the  hus- 
band had  a sweet  affection  for  her.  He 
was  overpersuaded  by  his  mother,  and 
this  is  not  an  isolated  case.  There  are 
hundreds  similar.  Many  wives  cannot 
stay  at  the  husband’s  home,  so  they  run 
away,  simply  on  account  of  the  mother- 
in-law.  But  there  are  maAy  cases  where 
the  mother-in-law  likes  the  wife,  so  her 
position  is  quite  safe,  though  the  husband 
dislikes  her. 

When  a wife  is  unfortunately  left  alone 
by  her  husband’s  death,  whether  after  a 
few  days  or  several  years  of  married  life, 


it  is  considered  virtuous  and  honorable 
to  remain  a widow  all  the  rest  of  her  life  ; 
therefore  some  young  wives  will  cut  their 
beautiful  hair  and  wear  black  clothing, 
and  devote  their  lives  to  religion  like 
Roman  Catholic  nuns.  Every  day  they 
go  to  the  Buddhist  temple  where  the 
husband’s  body  was  buried  to  show  their 
fidelity  to  him.  But  this  is  not  enforced 
by  any  law.  In  fact,  there  are  very  few 
such  wives  in  Japan.  As  a general  rule, 
they  marry  a second  or  a third  time,  if 
their  husbands  die.  Most  of  the  Japanese 
women  could  not  support  themselves  by 
their  own  hands  or  heads,  and  must  always 
depend  upon  their  husbands.  This  is  one 
of  the  reasons  why  Japanese  wives  are 
treated  so  tyrannically  by  their  husbands. 


VIII 


MOTHER  AND  GRANDMOTHER 


3>T  is  a great  thing  to  have 
children  in  our  homes  in 
Japan,  so  a Japanese  wife 
desires  earnestly  and  sincere- 
ly to  be  the  mother  of  many 
children,  and  she  prays  to  her  god  every 
day  that  a child  may  be  given  to  her. 
Sometimes  a wife  takes  an  oath  before 
her  gods  that  during  a fixed  time  she 
will  not  eat  anything  on  certain  days,  and 
washes  her  body  every  day.  When  a 
child  is  given,  the  mother  offers  a certain 
amount  of  money  or  some  other  gift  as  a 
thank-offering  to  her  god. 

As  I have  stated  in  the  first  chapter, 
the  purpose  of  our  marriage  is  to  perpet- 
uate our  family  line,  which  is  impossible 
without  a child.  For  this  reason,  when 
a boy  is  born  it  will  cause  great  joy ; and 


8o 


since  the  wife  has  become  the  mother  of 
a child  her  position  will  be  changed,  and 
she  will  be  kindly  treated  by  her  husband 
and  mother-in-law.  Even  if  her  husband 
or  mother-in-law  dislike  her,  they  would 
not  want  to  divorce  her  on  account  of 
the  child.  Sometimes  a bad  husband 
will  reform  for  his  child’s  sake.  Children 
are  a great  attraction  to  the  husband. 

When  a child  is  born  we  send  messen- 
gers to  our  relatives  and  intimate  friends 
to  bear  the  joyful  news.  Sometimes  we 
send  a postal -card  to  communicate  the 
news.  When  the  news  reaches  them 
they  come  immediately  to  salute  the 
parents,  and  bring  a present  to  the  baby; 
or  sometimes  they  send  a present  with  a 
letter  of  congratulation.  It  is  a rather 
annoying  custom  that  any  one  coming  to 
salute  cannot  be  satisfied  unless  they  see 
the  baby  and  mother,  and  enter  the  sick- 
room, where  she  should  be  resting  quiet- 
ly. It  is  a great  trial  and  dangerous  to 
health  for  a mother  to  receive  these  calls 
when  in  such  a delicate  condition.  She 
must  respond  to  their  salutations,  and 
when  they  talk  she  must  answer.  Many 


mothers  in  Japan  break  down  at  this  crit- 
ical time. 

Presents  for  this  occasion  are  general- 
ly eggs,  “ katsuobuschi  ” (a  kind  of  dried 
fish),  and  toys.  When  the  seventh  day 
comes  the  name  is  given  to  the  child.  It 
is  an  old  custom  to  give  a boyish  name 
to  the  infant,  and  when  he  is  a little  grown 
to  give  him  one  more  dignified.  When 
he  becomes  a young  man,  he  gets  a 
name  more  dignified  still.  For  example, 
when  I was  a boy  my  name  was  Tdza- 
buro ; when  I was  ten  years  old,  my  name 
was  Saburo;  and  when  fifteen  years  old  I 
got  this  dignified  name,  Naomi — a wom- 
an’s name  in  the  Bible  and  in  English, 
but  in  Japan  a man’s  name,  and  meaning 
“righteous  servant.”  I know  a man  who 
changed  his  name  seven  times  before  he 
died,  but  now  the  Government  forbids  the 
changing  of  names  so  many  times  ; so  the 
custom  is  disappearing. 

We  have  only  one  name  besides  the 
family  name ; there  is  no  middle  name 
such  as  you  have.  If  you  examine  a list 
of  names  in  Japan  and  study  the  plan  of 
them,  you  will  find  out  very  interesting 


82 


facts.  It  is  very  common  to  call  a child 
“ Ichiro,”  “ Niro,”  “ Saburo,”  “ Shiro,” 
and  “Goro.”  When  the  first  boy  was 
born,  they  called  him  “ Ichiro,”  meaning 
“first  one,”  and  “Niro”  will  be  the  sec- 
ond boy’s  name,  “ Saburo  ” and  “ Shiro  ” 
and  “ Goro  ” follow  according  to  the  num- 
ber. Girls’  names  are  very  pretty.  Snow, 
Flower,  Chrysanthemum,  Plum,  Pine, 
Bamboo,  Glory,  Excellent,  and  Virtue, 
are  common  names  for  women. 

There  is  a most  trying  custom  for  a 
child ; for  when  he  is  only  a week  old, 
his  mother  shaves  the  hair  from  his  head. 
There  is  no  need  to  shave  an  American 
baby’s  hair,  for  generally  there  is  none ; 
they  are  bald-headed  like  an  old  man. 
Japanese  babies,  without  exception,  have 
thick,  black  hair.  Japanese  are  proud  to 
have  black,  thick  hair.  Our  hair  is  gen- 
erally coarse  because  we  shave  it  so  often 
when  we  are  young.  Our  little . girls’ 
heads  are  left  unshaved,  and  decorated 
with  red  colored  silk  hair  ornaments 
which  we  call  “ Kanzashi.” 

We  are  very  generous  in  counting  our 
ages.  We  do  not  count  our  years  accu- 


83 


rately  as  you  do.  I learned  when  I was  in 
America  that  it  is  very  impolite  to  ask  a 
young  lady  her  age,  and  even  if  we  asked 
her,  she  would  not  answer.  Among  us  it 
is  not  impolite  to  ask  a young  lady’s  age, 
though  she  does  not  always  tell  the  truth. 
If  you  in  America  ask  a person  his  age, 
he  will  answer,  “ My  age  is  twenty-two 
years,  three  months,  five  days,”  and  possi- 
bly he  puts  in  the  six  minutes  also ! You 
are  wonderfully  mathematical.  We  sim- 
ply say  that  our  child  is  three  years  old, 
and  omit  the  month,  day,  or  minute. 
When  a child  is  born,  even  if  it  be  the 
31st  of  December,  he  is  a year  old,  and 
when  the  next  year  comes  he  is  two  years 
old  * and  when  the  beginning  of  the  third 
year  comes  he  is  three  years  old,  accord- 
ing to  this  counting.  In  your  way,  if  a 
child  is  born  on  the  31st  of  December  he 
is  one  day  old  ; with  us,  when  the  child  is 
really  only  one  year  and  two  days  old,  we 
say  he  is  three  years  old.  Therefore  we 
get  old  faster  than  you. 

When  the  thirtieth  day  comes  we  dedi- 
cate the  child  to  the  gods  in  the  Shinto 
shrine  in  the  district  where  he  lives.  This 


84 


is  just  the  same  as  baptizing  a baby  in  the 
Christian  Church,  and  we  call  it  “ Miya- 
mairi.”  On  this  day  the  baby  is  dressed 
beautifully  with  different  kinds  of  silk, 
and  three  or  four  ladies  nicely  dressed 
attend  it.  One  of  them  carries  the  baby 
on  her  arm,  and  some  of  them  carry 
a great  many  toys  which  were  given  to 
the  baby  by  its  relatives.  When  this 
“Miyamairi”  is  finished,  “ Kowameshi  ” 
(bean -rice)  will  be  sent  to  the  houses 
which  sent  congratulations  and  presents 
to  the  baby,  as  an  acknowledgment  of 
their  favor. 

The  mother  takes  great  care  of  the 
baby,  and  suckles  it  every  time  it  cries. 
The  husband  does  nothing  towards  help- 
ing her  to  look  after  the  baby.  Its  care 
belongs  absolutely  to  the  mother. 

It  is  very  strange  to  see  such  a state- 
ment as  the  following  from  Sir  Edwin 
Arnold’s  lecture  on  Japan,  which  was  de- 
livered in  America:  “ From  the  moment 
of  their  birth,  during  all  the  years  of  their 
childhood,  you  seldom  or  never  see  a 
child  cry,  never  see  a child  scolded,  and 
almost  never  see  a child  do  anything 


85 


wrong.  In  fact,  Japan  is  the  place  where 
you  begin  to  abandon  the  idea  of  original 
sin,  for  they  seem  to  be  born  so  good.”  Is 
this  a poem  of  the  imagination  which  the 
poet  dreamed  in  Japan,  or  is  this  some- 
thing which  Sir  Edwin  Arnold  has  actu- 
ally seen  there  ? If  this  is  a poem,  I 
have  nothing  to  say ; but  if  he  claims 
this  as  a fact  which  he  has  seen,  I must 
correct  his  mistake.  Our  baby  cries  just 
as  much  as  your  baby.  Though  there 
are  differences  between  our  baby  and 
your  baby,  the  crying  part  is  just  the 
same.  We  think  that  the  American  baby 
does  not  cry,  the  reason  being  that  we  do 
not  stay  long  enough  in  the  family  where 
a baby  is.  When  we  see  American  babies, 
they  are  in  the  streets  or  in  the  parlor 
before  guests.  Of  course  our  babies  cry 
very  little  in  the  street  or  in  the  parlor 
before  guests.  I am  sure  the  poet  says 
that  Japanese  babies  do  not  cry  because 
he  did  not  see  them  except  in  the  streets. 
I am  father  of  a child,  so  I am  well  in- 
formed on  the  subject  of  babies  crying 
in  Japan.  A Japanese  child  is  just  as 
naughty  as  an  American  child. 


As  Sir  Edwin  Arnold  has  stated  in  his 
lecture,  “the  Japanese  room  is  empty, 
so  that  there  is  no  stand  or  chair  to 
break but  if  there  are  children  in  the 
family,  the  paper  screens  or  shutters  cov- 
ered with  paper,  and  even  the  walls,  are 
sure  to  show  the  marks  of  naughty  chil- 
dren. I will  show  you  100,000  houses  in 
the  City  of  Tokyo  where  screens  or  shut- 
ters covered  with  paper  have  ten  to  twen- 
ty finger-holes  through  them.  All  these 
are  the  tricks  of  naughty  boys. 

Japanese  fathers  and  mothers  are  gen- 
erally controlled  by  their  children.  These 
little  ones  have  a wonderful  power  over 
their  parents.  When  children  want  some- 
thing or  wish  to  do  something,  and  the 
parents  do  not  allow  them  to  do  just  as 
they  wish,  or  do  not  give  them  just  what 
they  want,  they  will  cry  or  scream  so 
that  the  roof  threatens  to  fall  down,  and 
all  the  neighbors  can  hear.  Few  fathers 
or  mothers  can  stand  it,  and  they  will 
do  whatever  the  children  wish.  Old  peo- 
ple think  that  when  children  cry  loudly 
they  will  get  sick,  so  they  are  very  sen- 
sitive to  children’s  crying.  Our  children 


&7 


take  great  advantage  from  this  idea  of 
old  people,  and  when  they  wish  something 
they  always  cry  and  scream.  I am  sure 
American  fathers  or  mothers  do  not  give 
way  to  them,  however  much  their  chil- 
dren cry. 

It  is  a perfect  wonder  to  me  to  see  how 
American  children  obey  their  mothers’ 
commands.  When  a mother  points  her 
finger  at  them  they  will  stop  whatever  they 
are  doing.  Our  mothers  have  no  author- 
ity to  command  or  control  their  children, 
and  when  they  give  a command  their 
children  do  not  pay  any  attention.  Then 
she  commands  in  the  name  of  their  father. 

When  a father  goes  out  to  visit  his 
friends  and  comes  home,  the  children  ex- 
pect him  to  bring  them  something.  Ev- 
erywhere he  goes  he  will  have  cakes  ; and 
it  is  a Japanese  custom,  when  he  does  not 
eat  the  cakes,  to  take  them  home  ; so, 
naturally,  the  children  are  waiting  for  the 
father  to  come  home  with  the  sweets  in 
his  pockets. 

It  is  rather  strange  to  us  that  an  Amer- 
ican mother  goes  out  alone,  leaving  her 
child  at  home,  and  when  evening  comes, 


S3 


puts  the  child  to  bed  alone.  Our  mother 
never  goes  out  without  her  children.  She 
takes  them  everywhere  she  goes,  even  to 
the  theatre,  and  the  child  does  not  sleep 
until  the  mother  sleeps.  Our  babies  like 
out-door  air,  so  we  often  see  them  car- 
ried out  to  the  daylight  on  the  back  of 
sister,  or  brother,  or  mother,  or  maid-serv- 
ant. It  is  quite  comfortable  and  warm 
for  baby. 

But  one  of  the  great  troubles  is  that 
the  baby’s  hair  falls  down  into  its  eyes 
and  spoils  them.  This  is  one  reason  we 
have  so  many  blind  people  in  Japan. 
When  a child  gets  six  or  seven  months 
old,  he  tries  to  eat  cake  and  rice,  and 
when  he  is  a year  and  a half  old,  he  eats 
like  grown  people.  Our  mothers  know 
very  little  of  the  laws  of  health,  so  our 
children  are  generally  very  weak.  They 
are  provided  abundantly  with  tO)rs,  and 
play  a great  deal  together  in  the  street. 
Boys  and  girls  have  feast-days.  The  fifth 
day  of  May  is  a great  day  for  boys,  and 
the  third  day  of  March  is  a great  day  for 
girls.  These  days  we  call  “ Hinamatsui  ” 
(doll  - feast).  Almost  the  whole  month 


89 


of  January  is  a playing  month.  For  this 
reason  many  foreigners  call  Japan  a para- 
dise for  children,  just  as  we  call  America 
a paradise  for  women. 

Our  children  are  taught  from  child- 
hood how  to  read  and  write.  The  writ- 
ing-school and  reading- school  used  to 
be  separate  institutions,  and  the  teachers 
were  different ; but  now  we  have  a com- 
mon-school system  like  that  in  America. 
Therefore  all  children  go  to  school  and 
study  as  yours  do.  The  educational  sys- 
tem is  wonderfully  improved  since  we 
opened  our  doors  to  you  thirty-five  years 
ago. 

Girls  are  educated  especially  in  sewing 
and  music.  We  think  that  it  is  a great 
shame  to  any  woman  not  to  be  able  to 
sew ; hence  mothers  give  special  atten- 
tion to  this.  A good  wife  does  not  send 
the  clothing  to  a tailor  ; she  will  sew  for 
her  husband,  her  children,  and  herself ; 
and  when,  unfortunately,  she  is  separated 
from  her  husband  by  death  or  divorce, 
she  will  support  herself  by  sewing.  Wash- 
ing and  sewing  are  woman’s  meaps  for 
supporting  herself  in  Japan.  Music  is 


go 


the  next  branch  in  a woman’s  education. 
She  will  learn  to  play  the  “ Koto  ” (the 
harp),  the  “ Shamisen  ” (the  guitar),  ac- 
cording to  her  rank  in  society.  Arrang- 
ing flowers  and  making  and  serving  tea 
are  important  points  in  a woman’s  educa- 
tion. Merchants’  daughters  are  educated 
in  dancing.  This  pastime  is  quite  differ- 
ent from  yours.  Our  ladies  and  gentle- 
men never  dance  together.  Our  girls 
dance  alone  with  a fan  in  the  hand. 

Generally  a mother  has  no  properly  in 
her  own  name,  though  she  brought  some 
from  her  own  home  when  she  was  mar- 
ried ; but  her  husband  uses  it  like  his 
own  property.  When  the  husband  dies 
and  leaves  property,  it  does  not  go  to  his 
wife,  but  to  the  first  son ; and  when  he  is 
too  young,  guardians  are  appointed  from 
his  near  relatives,  who  look  after  his 
property.  The  mother  has  no  power 
over  it. 

When,  unfortunately,  a woman  is  di- 
vorced, after  she  is  the  mother  of  many 
children,  none  of  the  children  belong  to 
her.  but  to  the  father.  We  say  that  a 
child  is  the  father’s  own  property,  and 


9i 


not  the  mother’s.  For  this  reason,  though 
a woman  is  treated  unkindly  by  her  hus- 
band and  mother-in-law,  she  will  stay  pa- 
tiently because  of  her  love  for  her  children. 
Mothers  in  Japan  have  a strong  attach- 
ment for  their  children.  They  are  too 
tender  in  some  ways  to  the  children,  and 
allow  them  to  do  about  as  they  wish. 

Our  children  show  a great  fear  of  their 
father,  but  they  show  their  affection  to 
their  mother.  The  true  meaning  of  love 
is  hidden  from  us,  and  we  do  not  under- 
stand it  clearly.  We  do  not  say  that  we 
love  father  and  mother ; we  say  that  we 
honor  and  respect  them.  This  is  our 
home  word.  Obedience  is  the  cardinal 
virtue  in  our  home  circle.  The  child 
must  obey  the  father,  and  there  are  three 
kinds  of  obedience  for  a woman : ist. 
When  she  is  young,  she  must  obey  her 
father;  2d.  When  she  is  married,  she 
must  obey  her  husband ; and,  3d.  When 
she  is  old,  she  must  obey  her  oldest  son. 

There  is  no  free-and-easy  life  for  wom- 
an in  Japan  until  she  reaches  very  old 
age.  Then  we  call  her  “ Go-Inkio-Sama,” 
and  treat  her  kindly,  and  provide  her 


92 


with  a room,  and  sometimes  with  a sep- 
arate house.  Her  son  will  provide  ali 
she  needs,  and  she  will  go  every  day  to 
the  Buddhist  temple  and  worship.  She 
will  spend  the  greater  part  of  her  time  in 
temple-going  and  in  theatre-going.  If 
you  go  to  a Buddhist  temple  you  see 
very  few  young  people,  almost  none. 
The  worshippers  are  old  people.  From 
this  fact  we  say  that  religion  is  simply 
for  old  people,  not  for  the  young. 

We  respect  old  age.  It  seems  to  be  a 
very  proper  compensation  that  after  the 
wife  and  mother  has  passed  such  hard 
and  troublesome  and  stormy  and  sorrow- 
ful years  in  her  home  life,  she  should  re- 
ceive kind  and  respectful  treatment  from 
her  son.  Mothers  look  forward  with 
great  anticipation  to  that  time  when  they 
will  be  treated  kindly  as  “ Go  - Inkio- 
Sama.”  Japanese  homes  are  very  defect- 
ive when  we  take  the  standard  of  loving 
American  homes,  yet  you  can  see  some 
divine  virtue  in  our  kindly  treatment  of 
old  age. 


THE  END 


By  CHARLES  DUDLEY  WARNER. 


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